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In This Issue

• Latvia, Land of Style and Lip-Hair, Too
• Liquids Banned
• Coke: Who Snorts What
• Hate for the Hate Squad
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part I
• Al Franken Talks, Frankly
• Eggs Run with Claims of Cracker Nazis
• A Spears-Federline Manifesto
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• Hairless Man
• University to Fund Loan Elimination by Selling Drugs
• Proclamations from the Desk of Most Glorious Marshal Lee Bollinger
• Poland Ruined Everything
• Prez-Bo
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part II
• Da Vinci Code Confirms Church Can't Tell Fiction From Non-Fiction
• On My Early Fame
• Able to Fuck My Anus in a Single Pound
• THEY WATCH

Andres Vedova

Paris, Milan, Durbe, Ape, Piltene, Ogre. No matter who you are, these names bring one thing to mind: style! We Europeans know Americans look to us for the fashion tips. They like our clothes and hairs. So I make copying our style easy for you. I tell you about top European fashion! Yes, I will tell you all about what the celebrities wear where I am from, the beautiful Republic of Latvia! Many top designers and famous celebrities come from here. For instance, Johann, the Yak braider (of Yaks Fifth Avenue!) and Gustav, the salmon masseur-both are from my town. Everyone know them, and they always looking good. I tell you what to do and what not to do to dress like them. Follow my tips, and everyone likes you!

First, some snazzy goodlooks. Well, my friend Bendiks, the most famous east Latvian sheep slaughterer, always wear heavy wool pants and strong shoes, made from finest weasel hide. The ladies like to look on him! He look so good and he always stay comfortable and dry when touching sheep meats. Bendiks also likes the rubber poncho. Ladies really like that! Not only does it protect him from sheep blood, it also keep his girlfriends from getting his genital warts. It is, as you Americans say, both funk and functional!

Also, the ladies here look very good, as you must really know. Their faces are so pretty they do nothing! It look good with a little hair on upper lip! Also, it keeps their mouths from getting frostbite in winter. My mother, Dagnija, is prettiest woman in all of Latvia. Everyone compliments her on beautiful hairs on her face. When she come to US, she won Yosemite Sam lookalike award! This is famous American model, yes? I see her on the show with the Bugs Bunny. Very beautifully. They make nice couple.

Now, some badlooks. In Latvia, the ladies don't wear pants. It says they are prostitute. You can see their legs! Too sexual. No one like to be friends with prostitute! Except other prostitute. No one like to be her friend either. Instead, the pretty lady wear long skirt. Makes lady look like a beautiful sack of turnips. Very delicious! Sometimes they like to show a little leg, too. Nothing as sexy as ankle hairs.

My other friend, Jazeps, they kill him because he have no facial hair. Silly! He shaved off because he said that is what some American boys do for style. He was wrong! The picture he show everyone was of American superstar Kirstie Alley (she just start on TV show Drinking is Fun). Now we know is lady! Not little boy. When people see Jazeps, they thought he was devil baby-man. He show them picture, but they stone him anyway. Everyone was still mad that she never made another Babies are Talking moviefilm.

Everyone in America is thinking you are the best styled if you follow my advice. Ladies will look strong and men will look fertile. Very nice. Soon, whole country will be copying your beaver boots and sheep bladder purse. Latvia is millions of goat-hands ahead of America with fashion, and we know. But with my help, everyone look as good as us which is, as we say, as good as double stew on holiday day.