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In This Issue

• Latvia, Land of Style and Lip-Hair, Too
• Liquids Banned
• Coke: Who Snorts What
• Hate for the Hate Squad
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part I
• Al Franken Talks, Frankly
• Eggs Run with Claims of Cracker Nazis
• A Spears-Federline Manifesto
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• Hairless Man
• University to Fund Loan Elimination by Selling Drugs
• Proclamations from the Desk of Most Glorious Marshal Lee Bollinger
• Poland Ruined Everything
• Prez-Bo
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part II
• Da Vinci Code Confirms Church Can't Tell Fiction From Non-Fiction
• On My Early Fame
• Able to Fuck My Anus in a Single Pound
• THEY WATCH

How do you stop a Polish tank? Blow the mother-fucker up.

Why did the Polish man cross the road? He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

How many Poles does it take to conquer the world? Two - Jaroscaw and Lech Aleksander Kaczyaski.

Some of you may be wondering why these unoriginal, immature, and crude jokes don't make much sense. Some of you may be startled, aghast, and offended, wondering why such vulgarity is necessary.  Yet most of you aren't, because most of you (hopefully) aren't Polish. Still in the dark? Allow me to explain:

January 3, 1920: Babe Ruth is traded to the New York Yankees.

October 29, 1929: the New York Stock Exchange crashes.

July 5, 1937: Spam is introduced to the world.

November 22, 1963: John F. Kennedy is shot and killed in Dallas, Texas.

April 30, 1966: the Church of Satan is founded.

May 6, 1997: Hanson's Middle of Nowhere is released, featuring "MMMBop."

September 4, 2006: Steve Irwin is fatally pierced in the chest by a stingray.

The connecting factor: Poland. Babe Ruth's agent? Polish. The JFK assassin? Polish. Hanson? Polish. The person who caused the Stock Exchange to crash, the makers of Spam, the founder of the Church of Satan, and the stingray? All Polish.

Simply put, for the past century, Poland has been plotting to take over the world and establish the Poles as the dominant race.

Ever since gaining freedom from Russia under the 13th of Woodrow Wilson's 14 points, Poland has been contriving and devising ghastly desolations for the world, starting with America. But why America? Wasn't it President Woodrow Wilson that freed Poland?  Too true! Woodrow Wilson was not only Polish, but also a transvestite and the co-founder of the Polish Empire of Death. Under guise as the American President, Woodrow wanted to exterminate all non-Poles, often going so far as to use Latinos as piñatas on his birthday.  Coincidentally, it was Woodrow Wilson's birthday at least twice a week. Before his death in 1924, Woodrow successfully carried out his last great wish: to defeat the New York Giants' rival, the Boston Red Sox, by having Karol, one of his associates, trade Babe Ruth to the Giants.  However, his associate mixed up the names of the New York teams and Babe Ruth was traded to the Yankees instead. As an aside, no one has yet found either Karol's body or the bodies of all of his relatives and high school classmates.

Fortunately for Woodrow, the next great leader of the Polish Empire of Death rekindled the atomic bomb plans, traded the Giants to San Francisco, and set the tone for PED leaders to come. That man was none other than the Harry "Soul Eater" Truman (what did you think the S stood for?). Truman rose to fame in the Empire by leading such groundbreaking travesties as the New York Stock Exchange crash and the creation of Spam. The plan was that people would be so poor after the crash that they would have to rely on, what Truman called "Sorta Partially Almost Meat." The Spam Dynasty helped to fuel the Empire and has accumulated around 10 billion dollars in profits.

Even before FDR's first term began, Truman tried to have him knocked off, hiring the well known Polish legionnaire Giuseppe Zangara to "blast the scraggily toothed demon back to the asscrack of America." Surprisingly enough, killing off FDR proved to be more difficult than anyone in the Polish Empire of Death had imagined. Roosevelt survived the first assassination attempt and the 50 or so that followed.

The most embarrassing failed attempt for the Empire was number 39, in which a grenade missed Roosevelt's head and flew into the mouth of a golden retriever. From there, things only got worse. One of Roosevelt's 18 children had decided it was time to play "horsey" and mounted the dog just as the grenade entered his stomach. Within seconds, the dog exploded and the little boy sailed into the air, continuing into outer space and getting stuck on a flag pole upon re-entry. The boy's shirt got caught on a hook, and the sudden stop caused his pants to fall off and drop to the ground. His FDR-sourced manhood was displayed for all of America and was subsequently called "Raisin Rod Randy Roosevelt." He recently committed suicide.

Eventually, Truman was able to successfully kill FDR with the polio cola he had been slipping him since becoming Vice President. Without any time to spare, Truman pushed for the dropping of the atomic bomb. Meanwhile, Poland was doing a beautiful job "defending itself" from Germany.

But in actuality, World War II was merely a ploy-I mean no country would seriously consider defending itself on horseback. What actually happened is a totally different story, involving many midgets, board games of Twister, and gallons upon gallons of Hershey's Syrup. Needless to say, Germany and Poland became good friends by the end of the war, often sending delegates to one another's country to discuss the current global gossip and play ten fingers.

The next leader of the Polish Empire of Death was Lyndon "Baby Raper" Johnson, a satanist and avid chess player. LBJ (or Little BJ) had organized the assassination of JFK and the setup of Oswald as the fall guy. A Polish American, Oswald had suggested at a PED conference that the Empire should start moving in a new direction towards peace, tree hugging, women's rights, and other hippy nonsense.

From the 1970s until a few years ago, the Polish Empire of Death was in a steep decline, falling into a rut of incest, porno films, and drug abuse. Besides the assassination of JFK, the group's most recent travesty was the introduction of the Hanson brothers in 1997.

Recently, though, two power-hungry and scarily cannibalistic identical twins, Jaroscaw and Lech Aleksander Kaczyaski, have become the President and Prime Minister of Poland, respectively, as well as co-rulers of the PED.  Already, they have used their marine connections to eliminate Steve Irwin, noted animal-lover and outspoken anti-Polish activist.

No one knows for sure when the Polish Empire of Death will strike again, but I sure as hell don't want to be around for it. Rumor has it that their new plans include a so-called "slippery dildo," designed to detonate after three uses, scattering your significant other in a 25-foot circle. Don't let it happen to you!