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In This Issue

• Latvia, Land of Style and Lip-Hair, Too
• Liquids Banned
• Coke: Who Snorts What
• Hate for the Hate Squad
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part I
• Al Franken Talks, Frankly
• Eggs Run with Claims of Cracker Nazis
• A Spears-Federline Manifesto
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• Hairless Man
• University to Fund Loan Elimination by Selling Drugs
• Proclamations from the Desk of Most Glorious Marshal Lee Bollinger
• Poland Ruined Everything
• Prez-Bo
• Tales of the Inexpressible - Part II
• Da Vinci Code Confirms Church Can't Tell Fiction From Non-Fiction
• On My Early Fame
• Able to Fuck My Anus in a Single Pound
• THEY WATCH

Josh Bennett has been at Columbia for a month now. He is a quiet young man of eighteen who lives in a single in Hartley Hall, enjoys a cigar now and again, plays the oboe, studies for his classes with great diligence, and for the most part, keeps to himself. He is also a neo-Nazi.

Every day Josh is forced to endure the jeers and taunts of his peers and professors, who ceaselessly berate him for his beliefs. While the university prides itself on its commitment to ensuring that each and every one of its students feels secure, regardless of his race, color, class, political views, sexual orientation, species, or genus, for Columbians like Josh, it is a trial simply to get through a day without feeling the sting of oppression.

Josh reports that in the past week alone he encountered prejudice in, of all places, the classroom. He failed a calculus quiz for doodling swastikas in the margins; his Lit Hum professor sent him out of the room for comparing Hektor favorably to Adolf Hitler. "It was the closest I've come to crying since I first read the terms of the Geneva Convention," Josh admitted.

Josh is not alone in his struggle. According to an anonymous report on boredatbutler.com, nearly ten percent of first-years subscribe to a white supremacist-or similarly minded-doctrine of belief. This "silent plurality," however, is forced to conceal their attitudes in a school that is overwhelmingly biased towards notions of equality and diversity.

"The hypocrisy is staggering, really," Bennett said. "I applied to this school because of its rich tradition of providing a platform for students to voice their opinions, to get out there and let themselves be heard. Then I got here and realized I was going to have to share water fountains with foreigners. And nobody wanted to hear me complain about it."

To build support for the re-segregation of Columbia, Bennett is planning to light a cross on Hamilton Lawn sometime during February, to coincide with Black History Month. "I'm still waiting for the school to get back to me. I think my request must have gotten lost in the bureaucracy."

Wilmer Schmidt, a sophomore at SEAS, expressed similar concerns. "Columbia's stance on diversity is designed to make people like me feel as weak and helpless as possible," Schmidt said, as he put the finishing touches on his plan to set fire to a synagogue.

Terry Spurlock CC '10 griped in a recent Facebook note, "Fuck all you fucking liberal pansy-ass motherfuckers!! If the Third Reich were here, they'd wipe the fucking floor with you spineless dip-shits!!!" Spurlock is a member of Old Roots, an organization that lobbies for the restoration of exclusive suffrage for white, landowning males and regularly petitions historians to re-write the ending of the Civil War.

An Old Roots representative said of the note: "We apologize on behalf of Mr. Spurlock. It is not our organization's way to voice our opinions in a public forum like that."

Responding to their claim that racists and fascists are among the most disenfranchised groups on campus, a Columbia spokesperson recently said in an interview, "Yes, it simply wouldn't be fair of us not to give these people a forum in which to share and discuss their beliefs. Accordingly, we surrender the wall of Ruggles Hall. The university will make no attempt to erase any views expressed there. We know that particular wall already has a history with the Nazi party, and we do not wish to upset that. We ask that those skinheads would kindly accept the terms of this arrangement and confine their evil ways to that wall. Columbia would like to reiterate that we are always eager to reach out to those without a voice. Thank you."

"It's a start," admitted Schmidt. "‘If our will is so strong that no hardship and suffering can subdue it, then our will and our might shall prevail.' The Führer said that." Schmidt smiled and started running toward his next class. He was pursued the whole way by members of ACLU, who were pelting him with rocks.