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• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

Ria Mar-Fan

Sources inside Columbia's administration have reported that the admissions committee is seriously considering instituting an affirmative action policy for animals who would "normally not be admitted for academic reasons."

There are many potential problems inherent to implementing this policy, beginning with what defines an animal. After much deliberation, the committee was able to formulate a working policy: "We are aware that humans are animals as well, but we consider the term to be a matter of self-identity. Those who do not consider themselves human are considered animals by the committee."

The  policy  would  comprise  changes to the application for undergraduate admission designed to ascertain whether applicants self-identify as animals and a quota that would set a minimum number of animals to be admitted to the incoming freshman class. That number has not yet been determined. "Obviously," one committee member said, "if we receive many qualified applications from animals, we may admit very many to the freshman class. The idea is to avoid admitting too few animals."

Although many were surprised by the news when it was first leaked and then confirmed several days later by President Lee Bollinger, the campus population is quickly becoming accustomed to the idea. Sophomore Ian Hertz noted, "I had never really noticed how few animals we have in the student body. I guess there are some on campus, but you never really know if they're students, you know? During that whole ‘Don't Be a Pussy' incident, the one group that never really spoke out was the cat population." Michael Huo, a SEAS freshman, said that he had noticed the lack of animals but never thought of it as a problem.

However, the committee does view it as a serious problem for Columbia. "Our reputation as a diverse institution is seriously undermined by the almost total lack of animals in the student body," said committee member Barbara Zaits. "Every single book in the Core Curriculum was written by a human. Our ongoing dialogue of ideas lacks many important non-human thoughts."

Unfortunately, the solution to this problem is not a simple one. Virtually none of the facilities at Columbia can currently accommodate animals. Housing, restrooms, dining halls and classrooms would require renovations. Such changes would delay indefinitely the University's planned expansion into Manhattanville. Zaits reported that the project would "probably take from five to ten years to complete." "However," she said, "this policy takes top priority for Columbia."

It is interesting to note that in 2003, Mr. Bollinger was a named party in two landmark Supreme Court cases involving affirmative action. It is suspected that he has been the driving force behind the movement to seek qualified animals for the incoming freshman class.