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In This Issue

• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

Dear Democrats,

C'mon, guys. Ever since Clinton, you done lost your mojo. All I've learned in my American politics class so far is that you guys are the very definition of pussies.

Don't get me wrong. You've got lots of cool ideas, like letting women choose whether or not to murder their mistakes and giving money to people who don't have any. You simply have to work with your audience, you know? Midterm elections are upon us, guys! Time to unseat those smug Republican upstarts. They've been on top for 12 years, so let them know you're still alive. And the only way to do that is to sink to their level.

You're just not lying enough. You need the South to vote for you. Don't even think about not lying to them. For example: tell them you will uphold good Christian values. It doesn't matter if you sacrifice small children in your backyard the next day; as long as you shake hands with some religious authorities and remember not to grimace, it will work. Oh, and you might want to get yourselves some money. The Republicans have a lot of that stuff, and people seem to like them.

What you need is a candidate with more than just nice hair and a couple of Purple Hearts; hair gel is widely available, and getting shot is probably more trouble than it's worth. You're going to need someone tough-and pretty-enough to perform a proper GOP smack down. You need Mr. T.

Mr. T is a guaranteed A+, and not just because he can beat up anyone who says otherwise. Mind you, I'm not proposing that we should stoop to the low of mob-boss politics (yet); we won't let him beat anyone down. Violence is an improvement on your pansy-ass peace and love, but the Republicans have Arnold Shwartzen- Shwartzeneg- well, no one can spell it, but we don't want to mess with that dude.

Just take a position and go with it. And none of your half-truths and alibis, thank you very much all the same. Think about things people like, and tell Mr. T to say them in his funny, big-man-with-a-mohawk voice. It really is that easy! Take the following example:

Reporter: "Mr. T, what are your views on immigration?"

Mr. T: "I pity the fool that don't like immigration!"

R: "Mr. T, do you even know what immigration is?"

T: "Something about jumping fences-which I rock at."

R: "Mr. T, what is your plan for lowering the national deficit?"

T: "I'm'a institute a 60% sucka tax!"

QED. Those are definite answers. And if you're going to get all uppity about "basic standards of intelligence" and "some cursory regard for the rules of English grammar," I will be forced to remind you of our current president. Please don't force me to remind you of our current president.

"Isn't Mr. T a little too ridiculous to put on TV as something other than a member of the A-Team?" you ask. This is a fair question, but it fails to recognize that Mr. T is already entirely presentable. He has decided to stop wearing his iconic, weighty bling because, apparently, it is incompatible with his newfound religious fervor. Great, now both ironic hipsters and people who like God will vote. This is a figurehead we can all get behind.