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In This Issue

• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

Kimi Traube

Last Wednesday, sources leaked that the president of the Columbia College Republicans  reached out to Dr. Victor von Doom, asking him to speak on campus. There has been no word yet from Dr. Doom, but student groups are already protesting.

"Dr. Doom's treatment of political dissidents in his native Latveria is abominable," said Katerina Seligman, president of the Columbia chapter of Amnesty International. "The man is almost cartoonishly evil."

The Chicano Caucus was also displeased to hear Doom may be speaking on campus.

"Not only is Doom a neo-Nazi, but he has, in the past, partnered with the actual Nazis to take over the world using an atomic death-ray," said Adhemir Romero, president of the Chicano Caucus. "If not for the Fantastic Four, we might all be dead."

The College Republicans took these objections in stride, maintaining that the controversy is all so much overreaction to another Conservative speaker.

"There wouldn't be any protests at all if instead of Dr. Doom, we'd invited, say, Al Sharpton to speak on campus," said a representative.  "The fact is there are conservatives who attend Columbia, and they want to hear what Dr. Doom has to say. We might be a minority at this school, but we have every bit as much a right to listen to and learn from speakers that stand at the vanguard of our cause. And Dr. Doom, well... I can't think of a man alive today who means more to the conservative movement."

Doom's rise as a popular Republican pundit and analyst is been the stuff of legend. In 1968, Doom was deposed from his position as "Dictator-for-Life" in his native Latveria as the result of a coup led by Captain America, who worked in conjunction with local freedom fighters. After his fall from power, Doom could have followed the well-traveled path of relocating to Aruba and smoking many fine cigars, but instead, he moved to the United States, a country he described as "not as evil as Latveria, but evil enough for my purposes."

He quickly began to establish himself in Republican circles, authoring several polemics and eventually signing a deal with Fox News. Doom's biggest break came when, during an appearance on Crossfire, he shot Tucker Carlson with an "infinity laser," killing him instantly. After this seemingly unprovoked attack, Doom removed Carlson's bowtie and proceeded to eat it in front of the studio audience, proclaiming, "I am now your Crossfire. You will love me like the man who murdered your father and then imprisoned you for decades." The slaying of Tucker Carlson was praised across the media spectrum as "gutsy," and "a bold move," with even Bill O'Reilly calling Doom "a true American hero."

Though Doom's visit is a College Republicans event, the Republicans maintain that the whole campus will benefit from listening to Doom.

"I don't think of this event as something only for conservatives," said a representative. "I really think Doom's presence on campus will benefit us all. He may be a controversial figure, but his visit will help to keep the avenues of debate open."

Privately, this source disclosed that Doom is just the beginning of a whole supervillain lecture series the Republicans hope to produce. He maintained that supervillains are "on the front lines" and offer "invaluable first-hand knowledge of the items of debate." This representative went on to assure readers that though super-villains bring a decidedly non-Ivory Tower perspective to the political discourse, many actually hold advanced degrees and doctorates. "Dr. Doom, for instance, holds several mechanical engineering degrees along with a Ph.D in material science," he said.