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In This Issue

• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

Ria Mar-Fan

Emma Jones and Henry Smith reported that at 2:35 A.M. on October 4, the high school sweethearts had switched their relationship status from "Open" to "It's Complicated."

Henry and Emma were schoolmates.  They met in 2005 and hooked up in 2006.  Shortly thereafter, they entered into A Relationship. For months, it seemed, everything was perfect.  Henry created a photo album-I HEART YOU EMMA JONES-commemorating their first date and updated it regularly; Emma commented on a number of the photos, saying intermittently "lol" and "xoxo."

As high school came to a close, the dark specter of separation loomed like a bird of prey ready to impale their precocious love, or as a friend of Henry wrote on his wall, "Dude when are you gonna drop the bitch?"

At the beginning of September, the couple entered into an Open Relationship, at which point Henry joined the group Alcohol Fills the Void Left by My Long Distance Relationship.  

Two days later, Emma wrote on Henry's wall: "Why don't you answer your phone, asshole?"  Communication between the lovebirds remained non-existant until just before 11 P.M. on October 3.

At 10:43 P.M. Henry updated his list of favorite movies by removing Clueless, Mean Girls, Titanic, and the complete works of Freddie Prinze Jr.  At 10:50, Emma posted on John's wall: "WHAT??!?!? i thought you luuuuved she's all that. i thought it was our movie...."  

John did not respond.  At 11:07, in an act of retaliation, Emma tagged a photo of herself fellating a frat boy.

At 11:13, Henry left the group Alcohol Fills the Void Left by My Long-Distance Relationship.  At 11:14 he joined the group MISOGYNISTS UNITE!  At 11:17, he created a group called "Emma Jones is a Dirty, Filthy Slut."

At 12:45 A.M., Emma posted a photo of Henry's flaccid penis, with a caption: "Warning Objects in Picture are Much Smaller than they appear."

At 1:04, it occurred to Emma to cancel the event HENRY and EMMA 1 YR ANNIVERSARY XOXOXOXO!!!

At 1:35, Henry posted a note describing in explicit detail the most bizarre of Emma's sexual tendencies.  By this time, 76 of Henry's friends had joined Emma Jones is a Dirty Filthy Slut.  Many of them posted pictures of their own to the group's main page.  

And at 2:35, the couple made the decision to complicate their relationship officially.

At 2:53, Henry changed his status from "liking to move it, move it" to "getting wasted tonight."  And, indeed, at 3:40, he would report that he was "spo fkingg drukkk."

At 3:15, Emma added a friend detail about Henry: "They hooked up in 2005 and it was like being raped by a cactus." As of press time, Henry has not confirmed this detail.