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In This Issue

• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

Hoping to mitigate the damage that their client's scandal may do to the GOP in the upcoming election, lawyers for Mark Foley have released what they claim is the real transcript of the infamous instant message conversation Foley had in 2003 with a then-16-year-old page. They maintain that the messages leaked earlier to ABC News were forgeries, fabricated to defame the former congressman and his party.

Xxxxxx: hey
Maf54: Why hello, young citizen!
Xxxxxx: How's my favorite congressfuck doing?
Maf54: Ha, my young friend. I do not know what you are implying with that nickname; maybe it is some new slang? Anyway, I am doing just fine. Things are going quite well for me. And for you?
Xxxxxx: I'm hard as a rock talking to you right now. How bout u?
Maf54: Are you referring to your muscles? Indeed, you are rather buff. And no, I'm certainly not. I simply do not have time to work out, because I spend every waking moment working for the people of Florida's 16th congressional district.
Xxxxxx: Oh man. I need to go take a hot shower. It's going to feel so good on my hard, adolescent body.
Maf54: I'll bet! Showering is an important part of physical hygiene, especially for someone as athletic as you. I'd love to see you play someday, sport! I bet you play well. I'd like to see those skills of yours in action!
Xxxxxx: How about my sexy muscular legs?
Maf154: I'm sure those are nice, too. But good sportsmanship is my favorite part of youth sports.
Xxxxxx: So how are things going for you, Marky?
Maf54: Oh, what a pleasant nickname! Things are going well, I just chaired my first caucus of the fiscal year today...
Xxxxxx: I'd love to grab your caucus
Maf54: I have no idea what you mean. A caucus is not a physical object. I suppose that you are confused.
Xxxxxx: How do you get your caucus warmed up? ;)
Maf54: Well, first I bang the gavel.
Xxxxxx: I'll bang your gavel!
Maf154: Then I call the body to attention.
Xxxxxx: Oh baby, you've called my body to attention...
Maf54: And then the work can begin. A good work ethic is the most important key to success. Do you have a good work ethic, young man?
Xxxxxx: I bet you'd like my work ethic. You'd just love to watch me work my ethic all night long!
Maf54: Yes. The tenacity of young people like yourself is quite inspiring. Seeing your generation work hard gives me hope for a bright future, just as I hope to brighten the future of the people of the 16th district.
Maf54: Hold on, my mother is calling
Xxxxxx: Oh no, she can't read this shit, can she?
Auto response from Maf54: One moment please. I am on the phone with mother.
Xxxxxx: Oh right, I forgot you don't live with your mom too.
Xxxxxx: Come back, baby! I'm so close.
Maf54: Ok, I'm getting off.
Xxxxxx: You're getting off too? I was just about to get off!
Maf54: Well, then my timing is right. I must being getting off now.
Xxxxxx: Oh god yes! Get off! Hold on, I will too!
Maf54: Alright, I'm getting off, goodbye.
Xxxxxx: Uuuuuuuuunnnnhhh!!!
Maf54: Umm, okay. I don't really understand, but keep up the good sportsmanship, son!