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In This Issue

• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

In time with the 2006 election cycle, the Brethren United To Spread Evangelical Christian Knowledge and Sensibility (BUTSECKS) would like to reach out to you, the American voter, in order to ensure that our beloved United States does not fall into the evil hands of those that wish to move this country into a dangerous period of moral destruction and corruption. Thus, in order to ensure that a well-informed populace makes the correct choices this election day, BUTSECKS would like to explain what it wants to see done by the next Congress with regard to a number of key issues:

Ban gay marriage: enough said.

Ban interspecies marriage: though men and animals are all God’s creatures, it is by no means or measure appropriate for them to engage in holy matrimony, no matter what one might read in the liberal media.

Ban gay interspecies marriage: we are trying to cover all our bases.

Ban pre-marital sex thinking about pre-marital sex sex: “fun” can often be defined as violating one’s morals, which are key to an upstanding Christian life.  Sexual relations have been found by many to be “fun.”

Ban foreign countries: many foreign “countries” harbor immoral sentiments regarding the family and religion.  Do you want your children exposed to the Dutch?

Ban original thought: new ideas can only bring about confusion and lead to an otherwise unhealthy questioning of previously-held beliefs.

Ban Al Qaeda Islamic Fascism Islam Non-Christian Faiths: other belief systems exist in error and serve merely to distract individuals from worshipping our Lord, Jesus Christ.  Additionally, we all know this country was founded on Christian principles and only Christian principles.

Acknowledge that science and Hillary Clinton are the devil.  Henceforth, science will be referred to as “Hillary Clinton”: it is our firm belief that science is an instrument of the devil and uses baseless “facts” to mislead the public and debase the tenets of the Christian faith.  Hillary Clinton is a left-leaning, not-nice woman.

Eliminate the death tax: only God can punish us after death.

Allow Pat Robertson to do whatever it is that God tells him to do next: the elderly are a treasure of our past and should be treated with respect and dignity, even when they seem not to make too much sense.  Pat Robertson and the 700 Club enlighten millions of viewers around the world.  He is divinely inspired, and his voice is a font of truth and faith for us all.

These are not our wishes alone; we know that God Himself insists upon the fulfillment of these statements.  As responsible citizens of this country, we must make sure that His will is done to prevent our national damnation, wherein we would reside in fire pits for all eternity as our ears suffer without pause under the piercing noise of gnashing of teeth and the wailing moans of the wicked.

Have a great day, and God bless us all!* (Feel free to visit our umbrella organization, the Foundation for Understanding, Questioning, and Utilizing Evangelization, at www.FUQUE.org).

*Not applicable to homosexuals, Communists, Democrats, university professors, atheists or agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Rastafarians, Unitarians, Zoroastrians, Bahá’is, or South Park viewers.