• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

Rachel Lindsay

“Arrr, the record companies be restricting me rights to fair use.”

Rachel Lindsay

Rachel Lindsay

“Vaht an adorable young constituent you are.”

Prohibition Party

Why you won't vote for them: one of the "coming events" on their apparently neglected website runs April 19-22, 2006.  And as anachronism goes, that's the least of their problems.

New Party

Why you won't vote for them: these guys advocate something called "fusion voting," which I decided would be a lot harder to learn about than it would be to make this joke: they tried fission voting, but it resulted in too many meltdowns.

Pirate Party

Why you won't vote for them: "Yarr, I can get on board for this one!"  That's what you thought, isn't it?  Well, you're wrong.  There's not a single fucking thing about cutlasses or booty or scurvy anywhere on their website.  The whole thing is just some crap about the Recording Industry Association of America.  This one gets my Official Biggest Disappointment award.

American Nazi Party

Why you won't vote for them: according to the first sentence on their website, "The year is 2025."  That might make sense by the end of the paragraph, but I didn't stick around to see.  Oh, they're also Nazis.

Christian Freedom Party

Why you won't vote for them: apparently, this "party" was invented by some conniving bastard in Minnesota just to draw votes away from George Bush and counteract the effect of Ralph Nader's candidacy on John Kerry in 2004.  The real reason you won't vote for them, however, is that you think Christians should be manacled at all times.

Marijuana Party

Why you won't vote for them: you'll get lost on the way to the polling place and end up in a parking lot of a Target somewhere, rubbing your car's leather seats and eating Tato Skins.

Moderate Party

Why you won't vote for them: if you had two votes, you wouldn't use them to cancel each other out.  So you probably don't want to do that with one vote, either.

Southern Independence Party

Why you won't vote for them: when I tried Wikipedia's link to their website, I was redirected to a porn site.  Also, I was in Butler at the time.  Really.  I don't think anyone saw my screen, but it was pretty embarrassing anyway.  Fuck you both, Southern Independence Party and peer editing.

Vampires, Witches, & Pagans Party

Why you won't vote for them: their erstwhile would-be governor of Minnesota is named Jonathon Sharkey, and he was-no joke-going to run on a platform of placing impaled terrorists and pedophiles around the State Capitol as a deterrent to potential offenders.  He withdrew from the gubernatorial race this year after he was arrested and charged with stalking.  Here is one of the statements he made while explaining his arrest (and trust me, I'm not good enough to make this up): "I overdosed on over 120 tranquilizers.  That definitely lowers your heartbeat real good."

On second thought, maybe you will vote for this party.