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In This Issue

• Facebook News Feed Charts Relationship's Ups, Downs, Wrongs
• Dr. Doom Next CU GOP Speaker
• Old Dogs, New SAT Rubrics
• Columbia U. Celebrates Halloween
• Cooch Drinks Hootch, Scootches
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Meanness
• Interviewing Marauder
• Escalators: Now at Your Local CIA Black Site
• Celebrity Trading Cards
• Real Parties for Which You're Not Voting
• Sound Advice for Celebrity-Starved Democrats
• A New PAC a Day Keeps the Devil Away
• Tables Turn on Foley's Accuser
• Five Senate Races to Watch
• Santorum v. Santorum
• Ten Things Not to Call an Opponent’s Campaign Staffer
• Forbidden Love
• Socialism Creeping
• CU Football Confesses Famous Losing Streak “Never Actually Ended”
• AVG
• The Fed Caption Contest
• Superman!
• Would You Know My Name If I Saw You in Prison?
• THEY Watch

Paris Hilton: pees straight at attackers, a skill learned by drunkenly squatting in the gutter in billion-dollar dresses. She will then try to flee, displaying her colorful nether-regions to hypnotize or stun her pursuer.

Conor Oberst: whimpers and gnaws off his own limbs, does not do well in captivity. We know this because we all had to listen to his records.

Marge Piercy: regurgitates the contents of her stomach (mostly her “special” veggie burgers made from the blood of unfaithful men). She can be defeated with unrelenting default use of masculine third-person pronouns.