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In This Issue

• Confessions of a Dangerous Broccoli Head
• English Majors, Decades Later
• How to Spend Your Time After Co-Founding Apple
• The Cyborg Army of Death
• Salvation is a Prophet Away
• Chris Tucker to Play James Bond
• The Fed Point–Counterpoint: You Just Stabbed Me
• What Would You Do-ooh-ooh...
• Loose Lips Sink Credit Reports
• Bowling as Symbolism
• The Wonders of the Undersea World
• It is Imperative that You Spoon that Fruit Indiscriminately
• “They” Watch Reality TV, Drink Coke Blak for Fun
• Behind the Scenes at MythBusters Headquarters
• Good Night, and Good Luck
• Campus Bureaucracy Replaced With Rube Goldberg Machine
• The Seeker
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• The Most Trusted Name in News
• It Swings Both Ways
• They Watch
• The Fed Index
• King Kong Returns

Doreen Lam

George Ryan, Harrison Community College Class of 1961, was the guy who always traded his mom's homemade lunch at school for someone's terrible sandwich to try to make friends. Now he is enjoying his one-bedroom apartment in south Detroit. Working at the local gas station, Ryan regularly eats terrible turkey and cheese sandwiches for lunch, sometimes switching it up on Thursdays with tuna, which isn't as bad. Last Thursday, Ryan found that he had forgotten his lunch in his apartment. He was very hungry until dinner.

Samantha Tomson, Stewarts College Class of 1999, was a total slut and blew all of my friends in high school. She is currently living in a wonderfully-decorated Upper East Side Manhattan apartment. She walks her Pomeranian, Nicolas Edward Tomson III, every morning but hates picking up his excrement. Because of this aversion, she has hired a personal man-servant who, rumor has it, has become her lover and loyal confidante.

Tim Runiman, Rockman Bay Charter School Class of 1983, has now moved over to Foller Street. His bedroom is now twice as big, and he has his own bathroom. Voted "Most likely to be famous" in high school, Runiman is now known throughout his neighborhood as "the man with bad breath." Even with his own bathroom, Runiman doesn't brush his teeth.

Whitney H. Grafton, Sunfort School Class of 1990, is currently engrossed in a crossword puzzle at her local Starbucks. At this exact moment, she is contemplating what a three-letter word for an "anecdotal collection" could be. Unable to solve her conundrum, she is turning to the man next to her, intending to ask him to help, and is now spill ing her coffee all over him instead. I am now chuckling and pretending that I see something funny in the paper. She cannot tell that I am looking at Garfield, and if she did, she would know I was lying and that I had been watching. Garfield really sucks today.

Anthony Manendez, Chestman University Class of 2001, is now living in Toronto. After graduating, Manendez got involved in a questionable drug deal that turned sour, and now he's hiding out in Canada. Too bad I'm going public with his location (you can reach him on his cell phone at 515-888-9102, home phone at 780-988-9954. If you want to visit him, he lives at 433 Mulbury Drive in Medicine Hat, Alberta AB T5T 2X8. If you can't contact him at any of these places, feel free to try his parents' house at 988-773-9835). This is for charging me so much, Manendez! Haha!

Charles Winthrop Alexander III, St.Andrews University Class of 2005, was a fucker who bumped into me on the street years ago. Currently residing at his country estate, he is flummoxed by the economic fluctuations in the Japanese shoe market. Because of this distress, he has neglected his wife for the past two years and has shut himself in his study. His absence is very convenient because his wife now has time to fulfill her childhood dream of knitting herself some stockings.

Gabriella Seville, Fordham University Class of 1978, the girl who told me that my red sweater was really pretty, is now working at a software company in Lower West Side Manhattan. She loves computers and how pretty they look with different desktop backgrounds. She especially likes the pink sunset and the rolling sand dunes. Because of this affinity for pretty backgrounds, she has taken it upon herself to format everyone's computer in her department, and later, perhaps, she may try to do the whole floor!

Chester Gerthman, Backwater Bay Community College Class of 1997, the creepy guy who watched me eat lunch everyday in the high school cafeteria, now has a steady job selling winter jackets at Macy's. The other day, his dirty, fat, smelly mother-in-law came in to try on jackets. He didn't want to get near her, so he pretended to be a mannequin modeling the clothes. Unfortunately, he didn't realize his fly was unzipped, so the woman, fooled by his disguise, came over and zipped it for him. He was really embarrassed, even though she didn't know he was real.

Elizabeth Marie Ludwick, Oxford University Class of 2006, the bitch who slept with my boyfriend, is vacationing off the coast of Tahiti. Her blonde hair is blowing in the wind as she motions to her secret Tahitian lover to join her on deck for a Mai tai. The sun sets romantically on the horizon as the lover embraces her and tells her that he will love her forever if she'll only be his tonight.

Simon Anderson, Harvard University Class of 1999, was the smartass who stole my eraser in BC Calculus. He's currently dead. He suffered from bad cholesterol since the age of 22, so it isn't really unexpected. I told him not to eat so many fatty foods, but he didn't listen. Oops! Who's dead now, Anderson?!