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In This Issue

• Confessions of a Dangerous Broccoli Head
• English Majors, Decades Later
• How to Spend Your Time After Co-Founding Apple
• The Cyborg Army of Death
• Salvation is a Prophet Away
• Chris Tucker to Play James Bond
• The Fed Point–Counterpoint: You Just Stabbed Me
• What Would You Do-ooh-ooh...
• Loose Lips Sink Credit Reports
• Bowling as Symbolism
• The Wonders of the Undersea World
• It is Imperative that You Spoon that Fruit Indiscriminately
• “They” Watch Reality TV, Drink Coke Blak for Fun
• Behind the Scenes at MythBusters Headquarters
• Good Night, and Good Luck
• Campus Bureaucracy Replaced With Rube Goldberg Machine
• The Seeker
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• The Most Trusted Name in News
• It Swings Both Ways
• They Watch
• The Fed Index
• King Kong Returns

In response to the public outcry against the selection of Layer Cake's Daniel Craig to play James Bond in the series' latest installment, Casino Royale, director Martin Campbell has cast Chris Tucker as Bond for the next film, reportedly out of spite.

"There, are you shitheads fucking happy?" asked Campbell. "Craig wasn't Bond-ish enough for you? Well, now you've got a black dude. An American black dude is playing James Bond. Fucking deal with it." Anti-Craig groups, however, were not at all "happy" with the selection of Tucker as Bond.

"James Bond isn't fucking black, okay?" said John Maltrow, webmaster of CraigCantLickBondsBalls.com. "I mean, we all know that Bond's supposed to be tall, dark and handsome but this is just ridiculous. Who's next? Jay-Z?"

Maltrow's reaction proved characteristic of that of the anti-Craig camp, with other outspoken critics registering even greater dismay over Tucker's selection. Within hours, a number of anti-Tucker sites were launched, including TuckersNotBond.com and KlanJustice.net.

The response to Tucker's selection was not entirely negative, however, with former Bond actor Sean Connery coming out in support for the beleaguered Rush Hour star.

"I've bedded all sorts of women," said Connery. "Some were black. Not many, but I regret that somewhat; they have unbelievable asses."

Asked his opinion of Chris Tucker's acting ability, Connery turned quizzical.

"Wait-Chris who?" asked Connery. "I thought we were talking about Richard Roundtree. You know, the ‘Shut yo' mouth' chap? I've never heard of Chris Tucker and... well, he sounds made up."

Tucker himself was surprised by Campbell's casting decision but resolved to prove to the public that he can take up the mantle of the franchise and fill the shoes of legendary predecessors like Connery and Timothy Dalton.

"Hell yeah, I was surprised," said Tucker. "I mean, I haven't really worked in a few years and... well, I'm black, so I didn't really expect to be chosen as James Bond. I'm not entirely sure this is going to work; I don't even think I can do a British accent. But whatever, I'm getting an assload of money."

Daniel Craig expressed dismay and confusion over his firing. He is in the process of contacting lawyers and organizing a breach-of-contract suit against Campbell and MGM Studios.

"I was going to be James Bond," said Craig. "Do you have any fucking idea the type of poon I was slated to get? Bond poon, that's the type. Layer Cake poon's alright, but Bond poon... I'm talking three women at once! All at the same fucking time. I'm not going back to making Layer Cakes."