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In This Issue

• Confessions of a Dangerous Broccoli Head
• English Majors, Decades Later
• How to Spend Your Time After Co-Founding Apple
• The Cyborg Army of Death
• Salvation is a Prophet Away
• Chris Tucker to Play James Bond
• The Fed Point–Counterpoint: You Just Stabbed Me
• What Would You Do-ooh-ooh...
• Loose Lips Sink Credit Reports
• Bowling as Symbolism
• The Wonders of the Undersea World
• It is Imperative that You Spoon that Fruit Indiscriminately
• “They” Watch Reality TV, Drink Coke Blak for Fun
• Behind the Scenes at MythBusters Headquarters
• Good Night, and Good Luck
• Campus Bureaucracy Replaced With Rube Goldberg Machine
• The Seeker
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• The Most Trusted Name in News
• It Swings Both Ways
• They Watch
• The Fed Index
• King Kong Returns

Kimi Traube

The Schwartz-Flanagan Cyborg Project was officially launched in April of 2006. Its mission: to create a race of malevolent and heavily armed robotic warriors for purposes of global domination. The following is excerpted from the journal entries of Steve Flanagan, Executive Team Manager.

Day 1: Work begins! Preliminary sketches have been made, numbers quoted, and costs estimated. The team has been briefed with the goals of the project, and everyone seems motivated. Group morale is high, and I am confident in what we can hope to achieve in the coming months.

Day 2: More executive meetings. Preliminary work begins on the first trial cyborg, the prototype on which all the others will be modeled. Someone brought the team donuts today-a great hit. I have set up a rotation for donut duty, and I look forward to tomorrow's selection.

Day 4: Success! Construction finishes on our first prototype, which we have lovingly called Derek. Armament and instruments of death have yet to be installed, but they will come after the first rounds of unit testing. There is a slight malfunction in that Derek has yet to respond to human commands, or to move in any sense. However, I am delighted with what the team has come up with so far-all ahead of schedule.

Day 5: Further inspections of our dummy, Derek, have been made, and a possible source for the malfunction may have been identified. Team member Johnson noted upon opening the robot that it was missing "all the stuff." Various blinking lights and buttons, he believes, will be needed inside for successful operation, and I have asked Team member Krauss to draw up a cost estimate.

Day 8: Flamethrower testing begins in a separate laboratory. We have charted the melting times for various toy soldiers, dolls, and miniature cars. Results so far have been impressive, and an executive decision has been made to increase the number of flamethrowers on our robotic warriors from three to seven. Team member Adams brought in French crullers and strawberry frosted donuts today-an excellent choice.

Day 11: Installation of death-ray blasters onto Derek. On inspecting the first blaster, team member Thompson accused it of being "just a fucking soap bottle with string on top," and his objections have been duly noted. However, an executive decision has been made to press ahead with the installation of the six additional death-ray blasters. I have reminded the team that our robotic army's strength will lie in their sheer numbers rather than weaponry.

Day 13: Due to ongoing difficulties with ordering explosive shells and magazines from foreign sources, we have decided to install a compilation of NERF darts on to Derek as a temporary measure. Team member Davidson did not bring donuts today, despite his name being clearly marked on the rotation list. He has assured me that this will not happen again.

Day 16: Performed our first field test today. We took Derek to the parking lot of the local 7/11. The first test criterion of pure horror appears to need more attention, as our cyborg got little response sitting in the corner space. As we had yet to solve the problem of Derek moving, several team members acted as puppeteers for the confrontation tests. After striking custumers with NERF darts as they exited the store, the owner eventually approached us and politely asked that we leave. Although forced to abide, we have learned a valuable strategic lesson and reminded ourselves that this is only a test.

Day 20: It seems that due to a miscalculation of cost in the early stages of the project, we will not be able to build the planned eleven million cyborgs and instead will have the budget for approximately one. Several team members have raised concerns about the logistics of taking over the world with just one robotic warrior, but I have reminded them that our army's strength should lie in weaponry rather than numbers.

Day 21: It is a dark day for the Schwartz-Flanagan Cyborg Project. The team has simply lost confidence in Derek's ability to conquer the world, especially as he has had yet to move. In addition, Team member Johnson's mom's insistence that we "get out of her damn basement" means that our mission is all but at an end. I have informed the team, and we have started to pack up our drawings and equipment. However, our prototype, Derek, sits as a testament to the project's goal. With courage and vision, it is possible the dream of the Schwartz-Flanagan Project may one day be realized.