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In This Issue

• Confessions of a Dangerous Broccoli Head
• English Majors, Decades Later
• How to Spend Your Time After Co-Founding Apple
• The Cyborg Army of Death
• Salvation is a Prophet Away
• Chris Tucker to Play James Bond
• The Fed Point–Counterpoint: You Just Stabbed Me
• What Would You Do-ooh-ooh...
• Loose Lips Sink Credit Reports
• Bowling as Symbolism
• The Wonders of the Undersea World
• It is Imperative that You Spoon that Fruit Indiscriminately
• “They” Watch Reality TV, Drink Coke Blak for Fun
• Behind the Scenes at MythBusters Headquarters
• Good Night, and Good Luck
• Campus Bureaucracy Replaced With Rube Goldberg Machine
• The Seeker
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• The Most Trusted Name in News
• It Swings Both Ways
• They Watch
• The Fed Index
• King Kong Returns

- Fuck! You stabbed me!

- No I didn't...

- Yes, yes you did. You stabbed me right in the kidney!

- And you're not just whistling Dixie.

- What the hell does that mean?

- (whistles Dixie)

- Can you stop whistling and call a doctor?

- Why? What's wrong with you?

- YOU STABBED ME IN THE FUCKING KIDNEY, ASSHOLE!

- I didn't even stab you, much less in your "kidney asshole." What poppycock!

- Poppy-what the-what are you talking about? You just stabbed me, not 30 seconds ago!

- Well that's a matter of opinion, and since I'm not bleeding, my opinion counts more.

- What the hell? Are you raping me now, too?

- No.

- Oh my God, you are! You're raping me in my stab wound! I'm 90 percent sure that's your penis in my kidney!

- Ten percent error? What kind of scientist do you think you are where ten percent is acceptable? A biologist?

- What the hell? Are you retarded? Is my kidney going to get pregnant from your retard semen?

- It's been a minute and a half, you're still not sure whether or not I've stabbed and raped you, and I'm the retarded one?

- Wow, good point. Wait, so you ARE raping me then, right?

- That's the $64,000 question.

- The hell? Am I being raped by Bob Barker?

- Come on man, he's on The Price Is Right.

- What ever happened to The Price Is Right?

- It's still on.

- Really? It's been like 40 years.

- Yeah, haven't changed a thing ‘cept in Plinko, you can win twice as much now.

- That's incredible.

- Speaking of which, did you see The Incredibles?

- Oh yeah, great movie.

- Excellent plot and character development, it's rare to see that these days.

- Yeah, do you remember what a let down The Matrix II and III were? Made me want to stab and rape the Wachowski brothers. Hunh, that reminds me of something that happened... recently... wait a second... ARE YOU STILL RAPING ME!?!?

- Oh, come on. Haven't we known each other long enough that you don't care?

- Who doesn't care if they're being stabbed and raped?

- Dead people. And cool people. You're cool aren't you?

- Like the other side of a pillow... wait, wait I'm not going to let you distract me! Somebody, please help me! I'm being raped and stabbed!

- NO ONE HELP HIM! HE'S A LIAR! I finished stabbing him long ago!

- Fuck, got me there... ow my skull! Why does my skull feel like its getting fucked?

- I don't know, but I can tell you it has nothing to do with me skull fucking you, because I'm definitely positively possibly not doing it... for long.

- Oh, I just don't care anymore. Please just clean up when you're done.... Honestly, I'm just finding this so hard to care about anymore.

- SCORE! And for you, the exact opposite of SCORE!