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In This Issue

• Club Cash, with Catches
• When Friends "Go Greek"
• Father Christmas Found Dead
• Czech Patriot-Citizen Shot
• Promised Floor, Chosen People
• Best of Times, Worst of Times in Manhattanville
• Borat Movie’s Frat Boys Got Love for Hos
• The New Holy "Trinity"
• Interspecies Tension Outside Low Fuels Vicious War
• Vampire Christ
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Jew Ruins Christmas, Ramadan Up Next, Kwanzaa Left Alone
• Seas Trek: The Next Generation
• SEAS: Survivor
• Thanksgiving: The Last Supper of the Wampanoags
• CAVA Saves Christmas?
• The Evolution of Ashlee Simpson's Face
• THEY Watch

Rachel Katz

A recent press release from the fraternity brothers suing the star of Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen, has reiterated their feelings on the matter of what they feel was an unjustly obtained depiction of them. This latest release, however, has an added element that some may find surprising, given the students' behavior in the film: "We are all, like, totally into feminism now."

When asked to elaborate on how this change came about, John Doe #1, who in the movie repeatedly calls women "bitches" and "hos" who "don't have [his] respect," had this to say:

"Me and my bros suffered humiliation, mental anguish, emotional and physical distress, and loss of reputation, goodwill, and standing in the community. It really made me feel for those Girls Gone Wild hos-er, poor, exploited women."

"I used to think they were a bunch of dumb chicks bitching that something fun they did was being used by a man to make money," continued John Doe #2. "It sounded like a win-win situation to me. I mean, those bitches like showing their tits, right? And that dude likes making money.

But now I know that the shameful things we do when drunk are best kept behind closed RV doors. We thought Borat would only be shown to Polacks in Russia or some shit. We would never dis on minorities in a movie that red-blooded Americans were going to watch. That dirty Kazakh took advantage of us."

The boys said the experience opened their eyes to alcohol's capacity to distort judgment and how "totally wack it is when grown-ups use it on unsuspecting dudes or chicks to turn them into racists or get them topless." They have since initiated a youth sobriety project along with Jane Does #1 and 2, who have their own pending lawsuits as a result of their exuberant appearances in the Girls Gone Wild "Road Trip," "Las Vegas," "Best of Blondes," "Doggy Style," and "Spring Bring Sex Riot" editions. "We need to teach kids the dangers of drunk release-signing," Jane Doe #1 said, "You might think no one's gonna get hurt; you might think only cute boys will jerk off to you; you might think you'll never get caught, but you're wrong. Even if they offer you a really cute t-shirt, don't be fooled! They're not on your side."

Perhaps buoyed by their newfound, mutual love of sobriety, the bibulous youngsters have decided to take matters into their own hands. The boys' MySpace profiles-which listed hobbies such as "gettin drunk and havin a good time," "NASCAR," and "other typical guy stuff"-have been pulled down and replaced with a promotion of their "liberated, sensitive" new venture with Jane Does #1 and 2: a series of cautionary videos in which the girls appear, "basically to warn others about what not to do."

In these videos, the girls "pretend to get drunk" and appear in a variety of compromising situations. Wet t-shirt contests, making out with each other, jumping with no underwear on trampolines, and floating spread-eagled in an anti-gravity chamber are only a few of the scenarios depicted. "We wanted to cover the bases, you know, so no girls would find themselves in a situation we hadn't, uh, covered. These pimpin' bros-I mean bad, evil men-have constantly evolving techniques, and I want all girls to be prepared."

The students are currently selling the videos via MySpace for an introductory price of $9.99 per month. The boys urge everyone-parents, kids, boys, and girls-to purchase and view as many as possible so as to be better informed.

"I sleep better at night knowing that kids will be protected from perverts because of me," John #2 said as he leaned back in his leather chair to be massaged by his adoring, buxom partners in education. "It just felt like the right thing to do."