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In This Issue

• Club Cash, with Catches
• When Friends "Go Greek"
• Father Christmas Found Dead
• Czech Patriot-Citizen Shot
• Promised Floor, Chosen People
• Best of Times, Worst of Times in Manhattanville
• Borat Movie’s Frat Boys Got Love for Hos
• The New Holy "Trinity"
• Interspecies Tension Outside Low Fuels Vicious War
• Vampire Christ
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Jew Ruins Christmas, Ramadan Up Next, Kwanzaa Left Alone
• Seas Trek: The Next Generation
• SEAS: Survivor
• Thanksgiving: The Last Supper of the Wampanoags
• CAVA Saves Christmas?
• The Evolution of Ashlee Simpson's Face
• THEY Watch

An initiative was announced last Thursday by opponents of the proposed Manhattanville expansion to put on an adapted production of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol.  The production, named A Nondenominational Winter Break Song of the Evils of Capitalism, will run from December 8-10.

"The basic concept of A Christmas Carol will remain the same," explained director Harold Bauer, CC '07, "only some characters and plot elements will be changed to reflect the major world issues of our day, such as the Manhattanville expansion."

The plot, according to Bauer, will center on President Lee C. Bollinger rather than on Scrooge, a transition that Bauer calls "hardly any sort of stretch, man."  Bollinger will be visited first by the ghost of Bob Marley, chosen to replace the original story's Marley because "among other things, he has a first and last name, which most people can connect with because most people have both of those."

When it was pointed out to him that in A Christmas Carol, Marley's full name was in fact Jacob Marley, Bauer confessed that the real reason for the Rastafarian poltergeist's inclusion was that Bauer "was really high when [he] wrote the script."

"All of us were," Bauer admitted, "We sat around and smoked a couple bowls in the name of the poor, impoverished people a few blocks north of us. Then we wrote a piece of art to save them."

After Bob Marley, Bollinger is visited by the ghost of Manhattanville past.  "We didn't really know what Manhattanville past was like, but it was probably pretty okay, and all of us were too high to look on Wikipedia and find out," Bauer said.

When asked how one can be "too high to look on Wikipedia," Bauer responded, "The picture of the day, man.  You start looking at that thing and you never stop.  We had work to do."

Bollinger is, predictably enough, next visited by the ghost of Manhattanville present. "We didn't really know what Manhattanville present is like, but it's probably pretty okay, especially if people live there and want to stay and stuff," Bauer said.  He explained that he and other activists planned to go visit the area to see it for themselves "as soon as we have a little time, man.  We're all so busy right now with this play and stuff."

The final phantasmal visit, from the ghost of Manhattanville yet to come, "is where the shit really hits the Man [sic].  There's actually this literally shit-covered monster made of garbage and broken dreams and horrible, ugly Columbia buildings, and it flings some of its own shit at Bollinger, who is obviously the Man.  We're looking into purchasing the corpse, or at least the brain, of Jerome Greene and covering it with shit to represent the new Columbia neuroscience center.  That will be part of the monster somehow."

The fact that this entire section of the play is based on a misquoted idiom does not seem to bother Bauer.  "You're missing the point, man," he explained. "Don't hate."

Bauer continued, "The climax comes after the last ghost.  We took the most liberties with A Christmas Carol here.  It starts out with Bollinger and Santa Claus riding in a sleigh down 34th Street.  Then the Herdmans all come in and attack Bollinger for being an expansionist pig and Santa for being a symbol of Christian supremacy and Coca-colonization. Then George Bailey runs into the oldest tree in Bollingersville, the Griswolds' house lights up, Ralphie shoots his eye out, and Sinbad and Ah-nold fight over Turbo Man."

"We didn't stop smoking after those first two bowls," Bauer explained.

It is difficult to understand some aspects of the planned production, largely because the idea is still in its infancy.  For example, "the part of Tiny Tim will be symbolically replaced by the proletariat.  The audience will play the part of the proletariat.  It is their job to shout, ‘God bless us, each and every one!' after Bollinger is mauled to death.  Right now, we're hoping it will happen spontaneously, but we're looking into cue cards in case during the previews it doesn't work out exactly as planned."

So far, Bollinger's only response to the proposed play was a brief statement issued on Saturday: "Bah, humbug."