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In This Issue

• Club Cash, with Catches
• When Friends "Go Greek"
• Father Christmas Found Dead
• Czech Patriot-Citizen Shot
• Promised Floor, Chosen People
• Best of Times, Worst of Times in Manhattanville
• Borat Movie’s Frat Boys Got Love for Hos
• The New Holy "Trinity"
• Interspecies Tension Outside Low Fuels Vicious War
• Vampire Christ
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Jew Ruins Christmas, Ramadan Up Next, Kwanzaa Left Alone
• Seas Trek: The Next Generation
• SEAS: Survivor
• Thanksgiving: The Last Supper of the Wampanoags
• CAVA Saves Christmas?
• The Evolution of Ashlee Simpson's Face
• THEY Watch

Rachel Katz

Beloved toy deliverer and well known list-checker, Santa Claus, whose real name-Christopher Cross Kringle-had to be changed due to copyright infringement, died Thursday due to complications of an overabundance of what physicians are calling merriment, good cheer, and diabetes.

Chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, Claus devoted his life to sending out the message of what Christmas was all about, namely the question of how much little children could beg their parents for a console gaming system.  His red hat became symbolic of the commercialization of the holiday, on which Claus famously failed to capitalize, unable to trademark the look for profit.  His patented cry of, "Ho, Ho, Ho,  Merry Christmas!" to this day conjures up warm holiday memories and continues to inspire giggles in fourth graders, most of whom have only recently learned the informal meaning of the term "ho."

An active participant in the holiday season, Claus was the inspiration for many of the songs and movies that help define the Christmas season.  Tunes ranging from the timeless "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to "Here Comes Santa Claus," and classic films such as Miracle on 34th Street, have only shored up Claus's legend.

Claus was shrewd with his image, thought.  Wisely, he chose not to appear in a cameo role in Arnold Schwarzenegger's Jingle All the Way, and he backed out of a contract to promote the North Pole series of DVDs after it emerged that they were in fact a collection of pornographic movies starring adult film actor Peter North.

Claus spent the majority of his time preparing for the night of December 24, when each year, though it is still unclear how, he managed to break into the home of nearly every child on Earth.

He did not escape controversy his whole life.  During the early part of the 1990s, allegations arose that Claus had been using child labor at his North Pole workshop. The furor lingered until it was discovered that Claus' "child laborers" were common elves, who bore an uncanny resemblance to abused, Chinese children.  Claus fought back the wave of negative publicity and managed during the latter part of the decade to regain much of his popularity.

The man's partiality towards copious amounts of milk and cookies may have been his undoing.  Despite tests that found an impossible level of blood sugar, Claus was unwilling to make the switch to skim milk and rice cakes.

Happily, his jolly laugh and stomach of jelly will not long be lost on the world. Shortimer Dingle, Claus' right-hand elf, had this to say: "Santa may be gone, but we will never forget what he meant to the world.  He brought joy and excitement to all little children, who knew that on December 25, every year, there would be something special waiting for them underneath the Christmas tree.  And it was that magical glint in a child's eye that made the hard work worthwhile for Santa.  He loved making the children smile-except for the Jews and Muslims.  They'll never be happy...."