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In This Issue

• Club Cash, with Catches
• When Friends "Go Greek"
• Father Christmas Found Dead
• Czech Patriot-Citizen Shot
• Promised Floor, Chosen People
• Best of Times, Worst of Times in Manhattanville
• Borat Movie’s Frat Boys Got Love for Hos
• The New Holy "Trinity"
• Interspecies Tension Outside Low Fuels Vicious War
• Vampire Christ
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Jew Ruins Christmas, Ramadan Up Next, Kwanzaa Left Alone
• Seas Trek: The Next Generation
• SEAS: Survivor
• Thanksgiving: The Last Supper of the Wampanoags
• CAVA Saves Christmas?
• The Evolution of Ashlee Simpson's Face
• THEY Watch

Andres Vedova

You may not be aware of this, but a silent, decades-old war has been fought right here on Columbia's campus. "Oh, you must be referring to the silent, decades-old war between homeless people and Columbia security," you think. That, I am afraid, is not what I am referring to. The conflict between all of the homeless people and Columbia security is really more of a nuisance than a war; neither side would consider the other their mortal enemy. Everyone knows that Columbia security's mortal enemy is loud parties in East Campus and that homeless people's mortal enemy is gravity, which explains why they have trouble standing up. "So what war is it?!" you may be screaming at your newspaper. It is the war between the rats and the squirrels.

Next time you walk past Low Library, notice the animals you see on each side of the building. It is a fact universally accepted that the west side of Low, which plays home to many towering trees, is populated mostly by squirrels, and the east side of Low, the area around which is decorated with bricks and bushes, is populated by rats. Either of these cuddly/disease-infested species can be seen at nearly any time of day, depending on where you walk.

What you may not be able to perceive, however, is the hostility between them. Vondrell White, Low Library's security coordinator, notes, "Most folks don't know about the war because the most violent battles take place around 7:00 a.m., when no college students are awake." When asked to describe said battles, White responded, "It's all pretty cute actually. The squirrels have little army helmets and camouflage, and the rats dress up like tiny  pirates," adding, "But I suppose all of the maimed corpses that the battles leave bleeding all over the steps aren't that cute."  

But how did this vicious conflict start? History professor William Charles Williams explains, "Back in 1968, when the Columbia administration put forth a plan to build a new, lower entrance to Low Library on the rat side of campus, making it much harder for rats to use Low Library, they responded, ‘We are outraged by this blatantly speciesist proposal.' To that, the squirrels responded, ‘We enjoy finding, hiding, digging up, and eating nuts.' The inflammatory rhetoric of both sides transcended the practical applications of the new entrance and started the war that we see still raging today."

So where does this war stand? Undersecretary of State for Rodent Policy Louis Sheldon tells us that "the rats, made fervent by their radical religious beliefs, have started religious schools that train young rats to go on suicide bombing missions in squirrel territory, choosing targets such as the base of tree limbs." However, Sheldon continues, "One problem they've faced is that rats do not climb well. The rats have managed to circumvent this problem by striking up deals with some fundamentalist pigeons on campus, who lift the rats into the air, dropping them into trees where they blow themselves up". The most recent attack killed ten squirrels; a large branch near the entrance of Lewisohn was blown off in a brazen midday attack. The falling branch also killed two Chinese people.

When the United Nations Security Council was asked to condemn the attack, they responded, "We don't care about squirrels, which have actual problems, like genocide, to deal with." Outraged, the United Squirrel Security Council-representing squirrels from over 190 countries-recently imposed the cutest little embargo ever on the United Nations.

The squirrels, who make heavy use of nationalist propoganda and prefer less violent tactics, fight a more nuanced battle. HBO's Sex and the City once noted that "squirrels are just rats with better publicists." When not defending their home with uranium-tipped chestnuts, the squirrels have developed a sophisticated international ad campaign that denigrates rats and makes them appear as vermin. Thus while the rats may be more militarily adept, the squirrels enjoy more public support. Their tails are so fluffy and adorable.

Recently, the conflict has grown uglier, as the squirrels claim that they have direct evidence that the rats have obtained weapons of mass destruction. The squirrels have called for a meeting of the animals on Columbia's campus to condemn the rats' alleged possession of the illegal weapons. That condemnation may not come, though, as the rats have many allies across Columbia's campus. The Fed was able to obtain a brief comment from squirrel Secretary of Defense Fluffer: "We enjoy nuts of many varieties. It is fun to rummage through the grass looking for them. If we don't neutralize the rat threat soon, they will surely destroy us all. My tail is fluffy and adorable."

Squirrel peace activists, however, have been demonstrating for weeks in front of the statue of Neptune, chanting, "No blood for nuts" and "Regime change starts in the tree." The rats' state news agency has only released this remark: "We rats are a sovereign species with as much right to self-defense as any other species. If the squirrels attack us, by Allah's beard, we will destroy them." We can only wait and see whether or not the squirrel-rat conflict will escalate in the coming weeks.