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In This Issue

• Lessons of a Dancer’s Life
• Fast Times at Our Lady of Mercy Elementary
• Gulati Talks Soccer, Economics, and His Evil Alter Ego Zubil Dubabi
• Bleeding Candy Sweethearts
• 79 Ways To Fix Your Iraq
• 10-Year-Old Reviews IMDb’s Top Ten Movies of All Time
• A Good London Drinker Thinks How to Drink Hers
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Kinematics
• Cupid as a Young Teen
• Unadvised, Advising the Unadvisable
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Bless Your Heart
• On the Web, No One Knows You’re a Scientist
• Go Ask Alice!
• The Big News from the Big Town: Hollywood!
• The BWOG
• Bored at Butler
• THEY Watch

The Fed takes your letters and gets answers from senior psychology major Jessica Heaney, an active member of the Debate Club writing her thesis on the mental relationship between cats and humans; senior economics major Tom Stanton, who runs a small bank out of his apartment; and film major Geoff Goff, who made his first film at age ten (the infamous Five Roads to Hell or, as it's better known, The Baby-Killing Movie).

 

Dear Fed,

    My roommate recently got a girlfriend. While I am extremely happy for him, I wish he would just ask me to leave the room when they start having intimate relations.  I wouldn't mind being sexiled (though I do see its problems) as long as I didn't have to go through turning around to ask my roommate if I can borrow his calculator only to see his girlfriend shoving said TI-83 up his ass.  Over the past couple of weeks it has gotten more frequent and more umm... creative. Please, what can I do?

- Reluctant Third Wheel

Jessica Heaney: You really should try talking to your roommate about your feelings about this. Try to focus on how his actions make you feel, not on him. If this doesn't work, try talking to your R.A.: that's what they're there for. It might also help if all three of you undergo some group therapy.

Tom Stanton: This is clearly a liability for you in terms of productivity.  The important thing is to figure out how to exploit the situation to the utmost. Try to find out his likes, his soft spots, his weaknesses, and remember: exploit! Exploit! Exploit! Blackmail is, of course, always an option.

Geoff Goff: I see only one option: kill the bitches and make it look like a suicide pact. Make sure to get an alibi. Use a hitman if necessary. Make sure you've got a big budget and several stunt men.  You may also need a butt double.

Dear Fed,

    My boyfriend has been late to every one of our dates, and recently he hasn't been showing up at all. I wouldn't mind if he had a good reason, but he always uses the same terrible excuse: he says he's a secret agent who needs to fight the evil terrorist-ninja organization TALON, led by the evil genius Tiger Claw. I mean, come on. The thing is, I really like him, but I can't handle this. What should I do?

- Stood Up

JH: You need to ask yourself, "Is he good for me? Does he make me happy?" If the answer is yes, then by all means stay with him. But if he is making you stress, it's not worth it. Break it off. Keep in mind, however, that in all kinds of relationships, there is likely to be some disagreement, need for compromise, and times of frustration. These alone do not necessarily mean that a relationship is unhealthy.

TS:  I've put together a graph displaying the relationship between productivity and being frequently "stood up" in a cross-sampling of 67 people. The slope was -527 and I was equal to -0.784. This sort of relationship clearly has bad consequences. This man is unstable and a terrible provider.  Your only option is to break up with him.

GG: Your boyfriend seems to be a member of the top-secret government organization called "The Division."  As you probably know, terrorism is a big threat to our country. More importantly, ninjas have been menacing the U.S. for thousands of years. So you can see that the two together are a deadly combination. For combating this menace, your boyfriend is a true hero. You should feel honored.  

Hey, The Fed, I don't know where to eat lunch. Help me out.

- Hungryman

JH: There's this cute little Thai restaurant on 108th St. and Broadway. It's a little bit of a walk, but the exercise will help you clear your thoughts.

TS: I recommend Koronet: more slice for your buck.

GG: I generally try to find a new restaurant every night. I get a film crew together and burst in through the kitchen. My crew and I then expose what actually happens in restaurant kitchens-really disgusting stuff.

Dearest The Fed,

    I am in the business of supervillainy, specifically that of being an evil genius. Recently, a certain secret agent has increasingly been thwarting my schemes.  I go along with it, you know, "I'll get you next time!" and whatnot, but I wish that at least a superhero could have been assigned to be my nemesis. I mean, it's just insulting. I'm the head of a terrorist-ninja organization, for God's sake. Please, I need your advice.

- The Cat's Pajamas

JH:  I think we should get to the root of the problem. Why did you become a supervillain? It sounds like you want recognition, perhaps something your parents didn't give you enough of. The most important thing is what you've done as a supervillain, not what the government thinks about it. Running any organization, especially an illegal one, takes a lot of effort and skill. Seems to me that makes you pretty important.

TS: Consider not playing along. In terms of success as a supervillain, you should succeed at least some of the time. Otherwise, the public loses interest. If this starts to happen, the government will see your true potential and value you as a real threat.

GG: You'll never succeed! Truth and justice will always prevail and the good guy will get the girl. That's the way it works. Sure, its somewhat clichéd, but it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.  That's what it takes to get the masses to your movie. That's how you convince the Academy you have a good film. That, and crying. Especially men crying.

Dear The Fed,

    Recently, my roommate has been in the room increasingly infrequently. When she is here, I can't get a word out of her; she just looks past me and mumbles. Also, think she has been doing some sort of biology experiment in the room. I'm pretty sure she's been dissecting stuff like crazy.  The only problem is she often uses my side of the room to do it.  I found what seem to be brains all over my computer, which I of course threw away.  I'm even more grossed out because the other night I thought I saw a human hand in her drawer.  I don't mind her using human donors as long as it's legal and stuff, but I wish she wouldn't use our room for her experiments. I don't know what to do about this. Please help me out.

- Grossed Out

JH: This is a serious problem. I'm not sure your roommate is doing an experiment, and even if she were, I don't think she is allowed to do that in her dorm room. You need to get in touch with campus security or even the police. Meanwhile, give your roommate some space; she's probably in a very unstable state of mind right now.  You might want to find a therapist and do some yoga or deep breathing exercises.

TS: Get in touch with The New York Post or The National Enquirer or even Weekly World News.  Give them the story as "My Roommate's a Mad Scientist" or something.  I smell big bucks and possibly a movie deal.

GG: Clearly you have a zombie (or ghoul) on your hands.  Four words: aim for the head.  If you can't get your hands on a gun, find an axe or machete or some kind of blunt object to arm yourself with. Also try fire.

Feeeeed:

    Urmmmm mahhh rrra rooooommmate braimns innm trrrassshshh. Ghrrrrr mmaaaaahhh nnno fffaaaaiirr. Maaaaaagh errrdr. Urrrrrrgh rrrreeell prrrrobblremm.  Seeeend mmmoore paraammedics.

- Bbrraaaiinss

JH: Clearly you're working through a lot of anger right now. You need to breathe deeply and calm down. Stressing this much isn't going to help. I think you need to try and think why your "rooooommmate" might have "braimns innm trrrassshshh." Also, I get the impression you could use some sleep. Remember, getting a good night's sleep is more important than partying or even studying.

TS: You really need to take some typing classes. In today's economy, knowing how to type is utterly essential. Also, I recommend being sober when writing a letter. If there are already paramedics there, why do you need more? We don't want to stretch our resources too thin, now do we?

GG: Clearly, you're dead, you're all messed up. This world is for the living.  Don't make me get out the tire-iron.