• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Lessons of a Dancer’s Life
• Fast Times at Our Lady of Mercy Elementary
• Gulati Talks Soccer, Economics, and His Evil Alter Ego Zubil Dubabi
• Bleeding Candy Sweethearts
• 79 Ways To Fix Your Iraq
• 10-Year-Old Reviews IMDb’s Top Ten Movies of All Time
• A Good London Drinker Thinks How to Drink Hers
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Kinematics
• Cupid as a Young Teen
• Unadvised, Advising the Unadvisable
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Bless Your Heart
• On the Web, No One Knows You’re a Scientist
• Go Ask Alice!
• The Big News from the Big Town: Hollywood!
• The BWOG
• Bored at Butler
• THEY Watch

Greetings, entertainment fans! It's me, Michael, your intrepid Hollywood reporter here to dish out all of the hottest entertainment gossip other newspapers are too "reputable" and "factually based" to report. It's been a busy couple of months out here in Lala-land, but in between committing Nicole Richie to rehab and going on Extra! to call Rosie O'Donnell a "fat lesbian who got her job by eating that other fat lesbian Star Jones," I managed to find out some seriously starlicious gossip. Here we go!

Biopic of Ted Kennedy to star Lindsay Lohan - After the mega-success of biopics like Ray, Walk the Line, and Frida, Dreamworks has decided to make a biopic about Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy. The new film will cover the Senator's shocking private life, including his problems with alcohol and his accidental murder of Mary Jo Kopechne in Chappaquiddick in 1969. In order to ensure the authenticity of the part, director Sam Raimi had all prospective candidates audition by drinking 2.5 gallons of scotch in one sitting, or as Ted Kennedy calls it, "having lunch." "When James [Franco] and Jake [Gyllenhaal] suffered severe brain damage at the auditions," Raimi told me, "I knew that there was only one celebrity in the world who could handle both the emotional depth of the part and its requisite binge drinking-Lindsay Lohan." Lohan, the 20-year-old star of Mean Girls, who is known for her excessive, Kennedy-esque partying, reportedly signed on to play the 75-year-old, hard-living, Irish-Catholic senator to test her acting's limits. That, and producers offered to pay her in booze. I know a movie set that I want to party on!

Sequel to Dreamgirls to be released, entitled Creamgirls - Hot on the heels of Paramount's critically-acclaimed box-office smash Dreamgirls, a major Hollywood studio has decided to release their own interpretation of the film, called Creamgirls. The movie will star acting newcomers Lil' Kim, Foxy Brown, and Trina as the Motown group/hardcore-sex act "the Creamettes." Creamgirls follows the rise and the fall of the Creamettes, who start off with big-boned Effie (played by Lil' Kim) as their lead singer/queen bitch, but replace Effie with the thinner, lighter-skinned Deena (played by Foxy Brown). Deena and the other Creamettes go on to mainstream success, but no one can suck dick with the passion that Effie does, and after years of struggle, she climbs her way back to the top. Creamgirls, which a panel of sex-addicts has called "the greatest movie of the 21st century" is set to be released at porno theatres across the country this Christmas.

Dakota Fanning throws self into race for Oscar - Twelve-year-old cutie Dakota Fanning has reportedly been shopping around Hollywood for more serious parts in her bid to become an Oscar-winning actress.

She's tired of juvenile roles in such films as Charlotte's Web and War of the Worlds and is reportedly looking to "do something controversial, test herself as an actress, and above all, never work with Tom Cruise again." Dakota recently picked up a role in Steven Soderbergh's new, ultra-violent drama Ennui Express. She is set to play the part of Diamond, a 9-year-old heroin-addicted transgender prostitute who gets AIDS after being raped by the legendary actor Rip Torn, who will be playing himself.

Dakota's choice is similar to those of dozens of famous actors who have drastically changed their looks and behavior to win that golden statue. Dustin Hoffman won the Oscar in 1989 for playing an idiot savant in Rain Man, sparking off the "retard" craze of the late 80s and early 90s. More recently, super-hotties Charlize Theron and Nicole Kidman have won Oscars for playing ugly people, making ugly the new hot commodity after retarded became passé. With the role of Diamond, however, is Dakota Fanning hoping to make transgender AIDS-infected 9-year-old prostitutes the new ugly and win that Oscar? I sure hope so!

See you next time, gossip fans!