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In This Issue

• Lessons of a Dancer’s Life
• Fast Times at Our Lady of Mercy Elementary
• Gulati Talks Soccer, Economics, and His Evil Alter Ego Zubil Dubabi
• Bleeding Candy Sweethearts
• 79 Ways To Fix Your Iraq
• 10-Year-Old Reviews IMDb’s Top Ten Movies of All Time
• A Good London Drinker Thinks How to Drink Hers
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Kinematics
• Cupid as a Young Teen
• Unadvised, Advising the Unadvisable
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Bless Your Heart
• On the Web, No One Knows You’re a Scientist
• Go Ask Alice!
• The Big News from the Big Town: Hollywood!
• The BWOG
• Bored at Butler
• THEY Watch

Baghdad, March 17: Gen. Fuzzy Bunny toppled in "Carotene Slaughter"

Baghdad, February 14: General Fluffy Bunny deposes Iraqi government.

On December 6th, 2006, The Iraq Study Group released its report, entitled “The Way Forward: A New Approach.” The long-awaited report outlined suggestions for a sorely-needed new direction in Iraq. The bi-partisan group produced a list of 79 recommendations, ranging from securing Iraq’s international borders to supporting a national unity government. They spent months gathering testimony from military, political, cultural, historical, and economic experts, but they failed to interview the most important experts of them all. The American people? This isn’t American Idol. The Iraqi people? They don’t even speak English. No, the so-called experts the Iraq Study Group forgot to interview are The Fed’s staff. To make up for this blundering error in socio-military judgment, we have compiled our own list of 79 recommendations for improving the situation in Iraq. Here is a list of our best suggestions.

1) Find a way to use Iraqi blood as oil. It’s called creative problem solving…

4) Make the president as likable and inoffensive as possible by putting an orphaned baby bunny in charge. “Axis of evil”? More like “Axis of adorable!”

5) Put the oil in charge. Oil never disagrees with U.S. policy, can’t form violent militias, and technically gives dinosaurs their first chance to rule in nearly 65 million years.

13) Leave in the middle of the night and never come back. Just like Daddy did.

16) Put Hollywood liberals in charge. Its time to put up or shut up, Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin.

22) Put guns in charge. Guns don’t start ultra-violent sectarian conflicts—people start ultra-violent sectarian conflicts.

24) Make Bush president… of Iraq. You break it; you buy it.

29) Put Gilgamesh in charge. Gilgamesh of Uruk, the mythical god–king who ruled over Mesopotamia 5000 years ago, will surely crush the insurgency just as he crushed Humbaba, god of the cedar forest. All hail the god–king Gilgamesh!

35) Bring them the gift of Jesus. Actually, we’re sort of trying that right now…

36) Bring them the gift of Cheeses. Because who doesn’t love a nice Brie?

41) Reality show to find new dictator. Something along the lines of Who Wants to be a Violent Despot? or Survivor: The Last One to Survive All the Assassination Attempts Will Be Dictator.

52) Put the corpse of Saddam Hussein in charge. Saddam has the most experience and the most connections, and it’s hard to order the mass murder of thousands of Kurds when you’re nothing but putrefying flesh and bone.

57) Give all ethnic and sectarian groups a safe space. It solved all of Columbia’s problems, didn’t it?

59) Put Iran in charge. Hey, they actually want to be in charge of Iraq. No give-backs!

60) Put France in charge. Running Iraq is a really hard job and we are trying our best. We’d like to see you do a better job, Monsieur le Smartypants!

61) Put Bolivia in charge. Come on, we’ll just slip control of Iraq into that nerd’s backpack during class, let ‘em take the fall, and quietly slip out to go make out with Italy in the girls’ bathroom.

68) Make Iraq the 51st state. Sew a new star to our fair flag! But which star represents the new 51st state? The star with all of the smoke and explosions coming from it, obviously.

73) Put Osama bin Laden in charge. This is not actually a new idea—according to Fox News, the Democrats have been suggesting it for years.

79) Put The Fed in charge! We already have a power hierarchy, we only have a couple links to terrorist organizations, and running a hyper-violent, oil-rich nation the size of California with over 28 million residents can’t be that much harder than running a small college humor newspaper!