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In This Issue

• Scandal Pol Denies It All
• Hipster Ironic Since Age 14
• Baby Names May Be Lame
• AIDS Continues Dance Marathon Win Streak
• Jeff Sachs, Meet Anna Nicole
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Plumbing
• Iraq Gets Improbably Pale Spring Break Vacationers
• Compare, Contrast.
• Pics Worth 978 Words
• A Primer for the Primaries
• SEXILED: The Board Game
• Online Dating Adventures
• Well Bread
• Men Secretly Letting Their Hair Down and Asses Up
• Anthropomorphism
• Lerner Hall: Time to Take Out The Trash
• Fed Bash, Fed Bash, Fed Bash

Peter Kenning picks his nose in class and tries to stay awake. His exhaustion is understandable—he was up all night fighting the good fight,  posting reasons to end the war in Iraq on his blog. Now while he sat absorbing irrelevant factoids, thousands of people were dying for an unjust war. He has to act, he thinks to himself. Later that day, Peter attends a meeting of the Columbia Coalition Against the War. He definitely agrees with his fellow members of the CCAW that the war is a horrible mistake, but he wishes that he could do something more productive to stop it.

It would not be long before Peter got his chance. In a scene reminiscent of the Battle of Thermopylae, Peter and a little over three hundred students fought valiantly not only against the war but also the cold. They heard speeches and they stomped all the way from Low Library to 120th Street and Amsterdam. Yet somehow, against all odds, the war raged on. Despite the marchers’ brave efforts the war continued to be a cancer on the new century.  Many of the protesters expressed their dismay over the event’s failure. “I now know how Lyndon Johnson felt when he realized that America could not win the Vietnam War,” said Abby Tessel, a self-proclaimed “soldier of peace.”

But for those such as Abby and Peter hope is coming in the guise of spring break.  Not spring break in the beads, boobs, ‘n beer sense of the term, but rather an innovative alternative spring break planned by over a dozen student groups and publications ranging from the Columbia Coalition Against the War to the Current.  This momentous spring break will see over a hundred student volunteers spending their spring break in Baghdad, making their own personal contributions towards stopping the war in Iraq. As Sarah Vespers, one of the vacationers softly notes, “We shall march, protest, make signs and whatever else is required to end the war.”  

Baghdad Break, as it is currently called, begins on Thursday, March 8th when the brave “soldiers” board their Iraq-bound flights. By the time they leave on March 16th, they hope to leave behind a peaceful country. To achieve their goals, the vacationers have several activities planned. First, they want to call a large meeting inviting all native Iraqis, so that they can express their true opinions on the war and offer constructive ways to end it. After that, the spring breakers will hold an acoustic guitar concert to raise awareness about the war. Sarah Vespers is very optimistic about the concert. “We shall all sit in a big circle, and our music shall bring peace to the land.” Other events will include a mass sit in, a bake sale, and a poetry reading. On the last day of the trip, there will be a large barbeque, celebrating their victory.

The official sponsors, though anonymous, are said to be heavily affiliated with the International Socialist Organization; many professors at Columbia and Barnard have expressed support for the trip. Ann Henway, a professor of sociology at Barnard, views the trip as a wonderful escape from the shackles of modern society’s bane: television. “It’s simply amazing and very encouraging that students are taking such an active interest in world affairs,” she said. Bill Benson, a biology professor at Columbia, thinks that the break is a positive rupture in a pathetic rut. “I am sick and tired of students wasting their minds on drugs and alcohol during spring break. It is about time students used their free time constructively. And this trip to Iraq seems like the most constructive use of their time, I just wish more people  would sign up.” The idea, however, is not universally popular amongst the faculty. Professor Steve Milton thinks that students should focus on more global issues. “Iraq is not the biggest problem the world is facing right now—AIDS is. Countless millions have died because of AIDS. Students should be spending their spring break in Africa protesting against AIDS, not in the Middle East.” Nevertheless, considering the strong evidence that the AIDS epidemic is nothing more than a government fabrication to distract us from the war, most intelligent observers would call Professor Milton an absent-minded fool.

When asked about the dangers of Baghdad Break, the volunteers’ general response indicated that, for them, the danger and harsh conditions were worth it for the greater good.  So while most students will be enjoying their televisions and other people’s beds during spring break, an elite few will brave the scorching deserts of the Middle East, ending what in their minds has been a long and fruitless conflict.

Although the proposal has attracted widespread attention, seats are still available for the initial flight. In order to obtain as many volunteers as possible, the trip’s organizers are advertising that people can sign friends up for half-price.

As a last incentive, students who sign up before the 6th will get a free day pass to the spas in Kuwait.