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In This Issue

• Scandal Pol Denies It All
• Hipster Ironic Since Age 14
• Baby Names May Be Lame
• AIDS Continues Dance Marathon Win Streak
• Jeff Sachs, Meet Anna Nicole
• Tales of the Inexpressible: Plumbing
• Iraq Gets Improbably Pale Spring Break Vacationers
• Compare, Contrast.
• Pics Worth 978 Words
• A Primer for the Primaries
• SEXILED: The Board Game
• Online Dating Adventures
• Well Bread
• Men Secretly Letting Their Hair Down and Asses Up
• Anthropomorphism
• Lerner Hall: Time to Take Out The Trash
• Fed Bash, Fed Bash, Fed Bash

From March 2007 onward, Lerner Hall will start performing random checks on persons not wearing a suit and tie. Although Lerner officials have declined to comment, the checks are believed to be a response to recent increases in the number of the bizarre, non-suit-wearing individuals, frequently referred to as "students."

"I just don't feel safe walking around" says Eustace Barker (Goldman Sachs ‘09), "and to be honest, it doesn't feel like we have many places to hang out anymore." The checks, the first of several moves planned by Lerner, essentially permit security to cast out anyone caught not dressed in corporate attire. "We're the ones bringing money to this university" grunts Robert Wadlow (Morgan Stanley ‘10), "It makes sense that we should get priority."

The crackdown would see some other economic benefits, too. "Personally I can't wait for a more corporate clientele" says Richie Edmunds, manager of Café 212. "Most of what we sell, you can get for a couple bucks cheaper out on Broadway, but being a campus eatery you get business by default. Having more rich people strolling around means we can jack our prices up even further." Security promised to start clamping down on the free food situation, as well. "None of this ‘My $50,000 tuition is paying for this food' crap," muffles Paul Allen (Chase Manhattan ‘08) in between mouthfuls of turkey, "I don't think I'm the only one sick of the vultures descending on the leftovers of our food."

Meanwhile, with regards to the University's bureaucratic presence in Lerner, recent progress was also made last summer as another administrative office was created on the fifth floor using space formerly allocated to student groups. The changes may, however, may be minimal, as Sophia Necola, junior vice-president of checks and balances explains, "This space is being used by people who serve the students, so it's really still a student space after all."

The unused space on the sixth floor, although originally penned to become student space as well, it has been announced will finally find a purpose. Providing an exclusive cocktail bar, spa, and virtual golf facility, the space will sport luxury waiting areas and massage therapy stations for breaks between meetings, as well as "function as a networking space for bureaucrats and benefactors alike" explains Robert Altman (Credit Suisse ‘08), his voice sounding somewhat like a motorboat as a therapist sees to him in one of the temporary facilities.

The brightest news so far, however, may come from the campus next door. Construction on Barnard's new student center, the Nexus, is set to start this summer. Although scaled back from its original ambitions (zero student club space whatsoever), the Nexus promises to provide plenty of corporate social space, not to mention out-trend and out-function Lerner in its use of glass and ramps. It is set to replace Millicent McIntosh, which while aesthetically satisfactory, was unwise enough to place Barnard's proletariat at its core. "I can't wait for a new place to chill" says Fanny Fayerweather (MetLife '10), "I mean, for a while it really felt like our territory was being invaded." The changes promised by Lerner, however, should be satisfactory for the time being. "I don't know how many times I've walked around Lerner and just wondered" says Gregory Parkman (Merrill Lynch ‘09). "I mean, who the hell are these people?"