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In This Issue

• The Spec's Front Page (PDF)
• Matthew Fox Strips Naked, Insults Graduates
• Krishna vs. Christianity
• Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
• Secret Society No Longer Secret to Sniffer-Outers of Secrecy
• New York's Preschools Seek Swingset Leaders
• Bitches Got the Right to Shut the Fuck Up
• Before They Were Great Quotations
• An Inconvenient Truth Is Unsafe at Any Speed
• Spectator Copy Editor Shares Typical Evening
• Dancing Tops Crappy American Exports to UK
• Columbia Spectator: Op-Eds (PDF)
• Spec Staff Editorial: What the Fuck, Man
• Spec Sexportations: Delivering Our Children
• Spec PERSPECTIVES: Importance of History
• Spec: Corrections
• Spec: Letters to the Editor
• Prezbo v. Hamiltron
• THEY Watch

Jona Mici

The American Bar Association’s annual conference came to New York this week to debate some of America’s most pressing legal issues. On the docket were discussions of the legal status of prisoners at Guantanamo, the recent firings of U.S. District Attorneys by the Justice Department, and methods of reforming America’s malpractice system. But perhaps the most controversial issue was American Bar Association Vice-Chair Raynisha Carter’s and hair salon owner Edwige Charazard’s joint presentation on the need for the hotly debated, ever controversial “28th Amendment.” Many conservatives in the country feel that the so-called 28th Amendment should be one restricting marriage to male–female couples only; many liberals feel that it should be one that guarantees universal health care to all citizens. Mrs. Carter and Mrs. Charazard, however, presented a different view to the Bar Association’s general assembly this past Thursday. The initial draft of the proposed 28th amendment stated:

Section 1. Bitches got the right to shut the fuck up.

Section 2. Yeah bitch, I’m talkin’ to you. Shut the fuck up!

Section 3. Why do I got the right tell yo’ bitch ass to shut up? ‘Cause it’s in the fucking Constitution, bitch. So shut the fuck up!

Mrs. Carter and Mrs. Charazard’s presentation was met with an impressive chorus of both cheers and jeers. “I think it’s a great idea,” said Terry Montgomery, a tax lawyer from Tennessee, “Bitches are always running their mouths. I tell them to quiet down, but they generally ignore my inquests. This amendment will finally give our country the much needed legal precedent to shut those bitches up.” But free speech advocate Nancy Williams disagreed, saying, “Our country was founded on the idea that everybody, even bitches, has the right to express themselves. Mrs. Carter’s poor interpretation of legislative precedent is troubling at best. And Mrs. Charazard’s characterization of Sandra Day O’Connor as a ‘fat, old skank who always be up in other people’s business’ is even more troubling.” Mrs. Carter responded to the complaints that her proposed amendment would contradict the first amendment by arguing, “The Constitution is not fixed in stone. Rather, it is a living legal document that must respond to the needs of the people. Besides, bitches aren’t people, they’re bitches, therefore the Constitution doesn’t apply to them.” Mrs. Charazard added, “Constitution don’t apply to hoes, neither.” Mrs. Jones did admit, however, that her proposed amendment was not in correct legal form and resubmitted it for discussion Friday morning in this format:

Section 1. The United States Congress shall have the right to pass and enforce all necessary and prudent laws giving bitches the right to shut the fuck up.

Section 2. The United States Congress addresses this amendment to you, bitch, and all others members of your respective condition. Therefore, the Congress can and shall feel it necessary to direct all individual and collective bitches to shut the fuck up.

Section 3. The United States Congress and the citizens it represents maintain the right to tell bitches to shut the fuck up pursuant to 28 U.S.C. § 2241. That and it’s in the fucking Constitution, bitch. So shut the fuck up.

Perhaps the most frequent question asked of Carter and Charazard following the resubmission of the proposed amendment was why the two felt it necessary to add to the Constitution, which has only been amended 27 times in its 214-year history. “Well, Edwige and I were sitting in the hair salon one day,” Carter told the Associated Press, “and we were talking about how some women always run their mouths, and I remarked that there should be some kind of legislative precedent that grants all citizens the right to silence those women.” When the A.P. asked Mrs. Charazard about the need for the proposed amendment she responded, “Bitches always be runnin’ they mouths and I told Ray Ray [Raynisha Carter] that she best do something ‘bout it b’fo’ I kill one them bitches and end up in jail again. I don’t wanna never go back to jail. You hear that, Lunchtray? I ain’t comin’ back, so find yoself a new ho.” CNN correspondent Soledad O’Brien responded to Jones and Charazard’s comments by inquiring, “Do you have a system for defining who is and who is not indeed a ‘bitch’? Don’t you think this system could be used to mislabel regular, law-abiding women as bitches?” Mrs. Carter began by stating, “The definition of a bitch is based on the simple ratio of how well-liked a woman is and her perceived bitchiness …” but was interrupted by Mrs. Charazard who screamed, “I tell you who’s a bitch! You is a bitch. Yo mama is a bitch. And that fat, old skank Sandra Day O’Connor is a bitch. That’s why we need this amen’ment, to remind bitches like you that you got the inalienable right—to shut the fuck up!”

The proposed amendment faces a stiff uphill battle to ratification, but Mrs. Carter and Charazard’s dream does have a glimmer of hope. Pennsylvania, New Mexico, and Michigan have all recently passed the so-called “Shaquana’s law,” named after notorious Detroit bitch Shaquana Adams, allowing those states to try women for “bitchiness, skankiness, and deliberate stank-ass ho behavior.” As Carter concludes, “Shaquana’s law gives us all hope for shutting those bitches the fuck up once and for all by writing it into our hallowed Constitution.”