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In This Issue

• The Spec's Front Page (PDF)
• Matthew Fox Strips Naked, Insults Graduates
• Krishna vs. Christianity
• Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
• Secret Society No Longer Secret to Sniffer-Outers of Secrecy
• New York's Preschools Seek Swingset Leaders
• Bitches Got the Right to Shut the Fuck Up
• Before They Were Great Quotations
• An Inconvenient Truth Is Unsafe at Any Speed
• Spectator Copy Editor Shares Typical Evening
• Dancing Tops Crappy American Exports to UK
• Columbia Spectator: Op-Eds (PDF)
• Spec Staff Editorial: What the Fuck, Man
• Spec Sexportations: Delivering Our Children
• Spec PERSPECTIVES: Importance of History
• Spec: Corrections
• Spec: Letters to the Editor
• Prezbo v. Hamiltron
• THEY Watch

TOO HOT FOR TV | Fresh off the third season finale of the hugely popular Lost, Matthew Fox uses Class Day to respond to his critics.

“This is for YOU, Columbia! Fuck YEAH, Woooooo!” came the distorted roar from Matthew Fox CC‘89 through the microphone on Class Day 2007, shortly before he chugged a Miller Lite on the steps of Low Library. “But seriously, the best part about slammin’ Barnard chicks,” he continued, in front of students and parents alike, “is walking down the hallway butt naked the next day. Flashing that junk for the ladies—CC REPRESENT!”

Fox, the star of ABC’s drama Lost, former Lions wide receiver and Phi Gamma Delta member, was invited as Class Day speaker with much controversy, as many felt he could not live up to the standard of past speakers like John McCain. “I have something to say to all the haters,” he growled, visibly inebriated as he started to remove his tie. “The dorks in SEAS that never got tail, the squirts that stayed in Butler all night: you wasted your fucking life, y’all. College is about bitches, booze, and doing whatever the FUCK YOU WANT!” he snarled, ripping off his shirt and cocking his head to the sky.

After a seemingly interminable period of nakedness, Fox went further. “By and large, I’d have to say …” his mouth widened to a grin as he unfastened his belt, continuing, “Barnard girls are bi and large.”

“Personally I found it kinda hot,” said Jenni Weiner, CC ‘07. “I mean, yeah, I can understand why the fatcats weren’t too happy, but did you see those abs?” Indeed, the whoops and cheers from the crowd as Fox groped his chest—his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth with his pelvis engaged in steady orbit—were enough to suggest the move was not altogether unpopular.

“I’d like to read out a list,” continued Fox, swaying as he clung to the podium, now pulling off his underwear as public safety officers approached, “of all the fuckers that gave me a hard time, and made me feel totally oppressed at this school.” A sharp yelp could be heard through the P.A. system as he was restrained by three guards before he could start, though, and following a brief entanglement and scuffle, his pink body could be seen breaking free and dashing across Low Plaza to nowhere in particular.

Although Fox’s agents have thus far declined to comment, response to the speech has been mixed. “It had more butts than McCain, which I liked,” said security guard Maria Williams, “but the last season of Lost really blew.” Thomas Jameson, CC’07, had a different outlook. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to prioritize your time here,” he said. “If Fox can be a role model, it’s pretty clear grades at Columbia aren’t important for success in life. So why the fuck did I just waste my time?”