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Posted: April 1, 2007
In This Issue
- The Spec's Front Page (PDF)
- Matthew Fox Strips Naked, Insults Graduates
- Krishna vs. Christianity
- Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
- Secret Society No Longer Secret to Sniffer-Outers of Secrecy
- New York's Preschools Seek Swingset Leaders
- Bitches Got the Right to Shut the Fuck Up
- Before They Were Great Quotations
- An Inconvenient Truth Is Unsafe at Any Speed
- Spectator Copy Editor Shares Typical Evening
- Dancing Tops Crappy American Exports to UK
- Columbia Spectator: Op-Eds (PDF)
- Spec Staff Editorial: What the Fuck, Man
- Spec Sexportations: Delivering Our Children
- Spec PERSPECTIVES: Importance of History
- Spec: Corrections
- Spec: Letters to the Editor
- Prezbo v. Hamiltron
- THEY Watch
Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
"Deathly Hallows" Manuscript Seized From Rowling's Own Deathly Hallow
Adam Valen Levinson
Yesterday, March 31, 2007, a day that will live in infamy, the as-yet unpublished manuscript of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was stolen. The sole copy of the final installment in the legendary septet was lifted from authoress J.K. Rowling’s luxurious 19th century estate in Scotland, reportedly by two 14-year-old boys.
Rowling, who has refused to leave her bedroom since the heist, is only available for comment via owl. As owls have a difficult time crossing the Atlantic, the one message received so far by American sources read simply, “Accio money.” While readers might recognize this as the common summoning spell from the series, others detect Rowling’s true terror. The stolen manuscript was the only copy of the work in existence—at the time of yesterday’s robbery, no one had been willing to type up the three thousand handwritten pages. Without this last book, the Harry Potter franchise will supernova.
In 2002, when Rowling, the richest woman in England, became a publicly-traded stock, she invested every penny to her name in herself. When the release date of the seventh book was revealed, Amazon.com sold over 38 billion copies, six for every man, woman, and child on the planet. The royalties brought Rowling’s net worth to $1.9 trillion, as she surpassed Germany as the world’s third biggest economy. But without a finale, the stock traded under ticker symbol JKRW will drop faster than Harry in Prisoner of Azkaban when a dementor scared him off his broom high above the quiddich pitch. If Deathly Hallows is never published, the woman worth more than her entire country will be unable to afford even one copy of her own book.
The boys, Graham Poofytwinkle and Albert Flibbertshire, are unsympathetic. When they discovered the book’s release was not until July, they started scheming. “We star’ed reading Potter when we was four,” said Flibbertshire, “and I ‘member saying to me Graham, I says, ‘I’ll give this broad ten years to tell me what happens,’ and, well, she di’n’t”. Surprisingly, Rowling was prepared for such fanaticism. The 114-pound manuscript was protected by a weight sensitive alarm system. If for more than four tenths of a second the weight varied on the scale, Rowling’s Killiechassie House would instantly submerge under the earth, trapping the robbers-to-be under 40 feet of concrete and metal. But the boys came prepared, having studied Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Asked with what they foiled the state-of-the-art security system, Poofytwinkle replied “a big sack of shit.
Since the robbery, the boys have been arrested and released. The judge recounted that during the proceedings, Poofytwinkle held the stolen property in the air, while Flibbertshire held a lighter dangerously close, daring the jury, “Just say guilty.” Upon the boys’ release, a rooftop sniper radioed to his captain “I would have shot him, but I might’ve hit the book.”
The robber duo, now known as Flibberpoof, declares that they will brag about their exclusive knowledge forever, yet psychologist Dr. Mendel Krauss believes that the hormonal male desire to brag expires almost exactly at age 72. Based on this theory, American Harry Potter publisher Scholastic has relisted the release date of Deathly Hallows as July 21st, 2065.
Yet, avid Potter-heads are not satisfied to wait the estimated 58 years before they can finish the series. Israel and Palestine promised to stop fighting for the first ten chapters; Bill Gates guaranteed them South America for one day with the novel; Dick Cheney has offered both boys seats of power in his proposed New World Order. Poofytwinkle and Flibbertshire have refused all offers. Asked to reveal anything about the book, for the love of sweet Mary and Joseph, Poofytwinkle replied, insouciant, “it’s pretty gay.”
Rowling, who has refused to leave her bedroom since the heist, is only available for comment via owl. As owls have a difficult time crossing the Atlantic, the one message received so far by American sources read simply, “Accio money.” While readers might recognize this as the common summoning spell from the series, others detect Rowling’s true terror. The stolen manuscript was the only copy of the work in existence—at the time of yesterday’s robbery, no one had been willing to type up the three thousand handwritten pages. Without this last book, the Harry Potter franchise will supernova.
In 2002, when Rowling, the richest woman in England, became a publicly-traded stock, she invested every penny to her name in herself. When the release date of the seventh book was revealed, Amazon.com sold over 38 billion copies, six for every man, woman, and child on the planet. The royalties brought Rowling’s net worth to $1.9 trillion, as she surpassed Germany as the world’s third biggest economy. But without a finale, the stock traded under ticker symbol JKRW will drop faster than Harry in Prisoner of Azkaban when a dementor scared him off his broom high above the quiddich pitch. If Deathly Hallows is never published, the woman worth more than her entire country will be unable to afford even one copy of her own book.
The boys, Graham Poofytwinkle and Albert Flibbertshire, are unsympathetic. When they discovered the book’s release was not until July, they started scheming. “We star’ed reading Potter when we was four,” said Flibbertshire, “and I ‘member saying to me Graham, I says, ‘I’ll give this broad ten years to tell me what happens,’ and, well, she di’n’t”. Surprisingly, Rowling was prepared for such fanaticism. The 114-pound manuscript was protected by a weight sensitive alarm system. If for more than four tenths of a second the weight varied on the scale, Rowling’s Killiechassie House would instantly submerge under the earth, trapping the robbers-to-be under 40 feet of concrete and metal. But the boys came prepared, having studied Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Asked with what they foiled the state-of-the-art security system, Poofytwinkle replied “a big sack of shit.
Since the robbery, the boys have been arrested and released. The judge recounted that during the proceedings, Poofytwinkle held the stolen property in the air, while Flibbertshire held a lighter dangerously close, daring the jury, “Just say guilty.” Upon the boys’ release, a rooftop sniper radioed to his captain “I would have shot him, but I might’ve hit the book.”
The robber duo, now known as Flibberpoof, declares that they will brag about their exclusive knowledge forever, yet psychologist Dr. Mendel Krauss believes that the hormonal male desire to brag expires almost exactly at age 72. Based on this theory, American Harry Potter publisher Scholastic has relisted the release date of Deathly Hallows as July 21st, 2065.
Yet, avid Potter-heads are not satisfied to wait the estimated 58 years before they can finish the series. Israel and Palestine promised to stop fighting for the first ten chapters; Bill Gates guaranteed them South America for one day with the novel; Dick Cheney has offered both boys seats of power in his proposed New World Order. Poofytwinkle and Flibbertshire have refused all offers. Asked to reveal anything about the book, for the love of sweet Mary and Joseph, Poofytwinkle replied, insouciant, “it’s pretty gay.”