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In This Issue

• The Spec's Front Page (PDF)
• Matthew Fox Strips Naked, Insults Graduates
• Krishna vs. Christianity
• Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
• Secret Society No Longer Secret to Sniffer-Outers of Secrecy
• New York's Preschools Seek Swingset Leaders
• Bitches Got the Right to Shut the Fuck Up
• Before They Were Great Quotations
• An Inconvenient Truth Is Unsafe at Any Speed
• Spectator Copy Editor Shares Typical Evening
• Dancing Tops Crappy American Exports to UK
• Columbia Spectator: Op-Eds (PDF)
• Spec Staff Editorial: What the Fuck, Man
• Spec Sexportations: Delivering Our Children
• Spec PERSPECTIVES: Importance of History
• Spec: Corrections
• Spec: Letters to the Editor
• Prezbo v. Hamiltron
• THEY Watch

Sarah Levin

Why are we so quick to give quoted individuals credit?  Yes, their words seem to capture the essence of their respective situations, conveniently summing up emotion and sentiment in a few turns of phrase. These choice sentences have been the source of inspiration and courage for countless individuals seeking just the right thing to help them with the situation at hand, whether it is to find that creative spark, the right way to begin a paper, or an attempt at getting laid by that girl in your Lit Hum class.

But let’s face facts: not every word they have ever uttered has been worthy of printing on one of those posters your teachers used to love decorating the classroom with.  They were real people, who thought real thoughts, and said, well, real things.  Not everything Abraham Lincoln said was as great as the Gettysburg Address.  Though Confucius once stated, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” it’s safe to assume that he still thought that that was a long-ass distance.  And while Thoreau was pondering nature and its relation to the human condition on Walden Pond, he must have thought to himself at least once, “Goddamn, it’s quiet out here.  I need me some booze and bitches.”  These preeminent people have undoubtedly gone through the same thought processes that we ourselves have gone through. They were never immune to our own lines of thinking.

And so, we at The Fed present to you the earlier versions of some of history’s most quoted quotes: what they meant to say before revision and the threat of public embarrassment forced edits.  Before the widely-quoted reached their legendary standing, they had to undergo the usual trial and error, screw-ups, and moments of clarity that we all experience.  Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day … and they probably fucked up a few times in the process.

1. René Decartes: “I think, therefore I am.”

What he meant to say: “I suppose, therefore, ummm … uhhh … I could be?”

Descartes is credited with his contributions to rationalism, in which reason was the path to true understanding and knowledge.  It is a little-known fact, however, that Descartes was not the most confident individual.  Unable to make up his mind—about anything—Descartes spent hours on end each morning  deciding which gigantic white collar he wanted to wear that day (for evidence, look at any painting of the man).  Never giving a straight answer, his fickleness would ultimately lead to the empiricist school of thought, whose main criticism of Descartes was “For crying out loud, the collars are all the same!  Just choose one, there’s no difference! You always do this, René! Fuck, we’re gonna be late again!”

2. Franklin D. Roosevelt: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

What he meant to say: “And F to the D to the R mowing you down when you don’t respect his authority. I gots a Glock in my back pocket, and I’m not afraid to run you down with this wheelchair, son. Go ahead and try to outrun the wheels of steel, bitch!”

Roosevelt, an alumnus of Columbia’s law school, has been ranked as one of the greatest presidents in U.S. history.  He guided the country through the Great Depression and the majority of World War II.  You know he was pissed whenever people complained about his policies.  “Don’t like it?  Too bad, I run things over here.  King Kong ain’t got shit on me! Yeah, that’s what I thought, shut the fuck up!”  Man, was Franklin D. a badass or what?

3. Jesus Christ: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

What he meant to say: “Hey, guys, I’m just dying for your sins over here … you know, no biggie … Dad dammit, I’m getting crucified for these friggin’ idiots?  What the hell?”

This quote has been cited numerous times through the ages, to illustrate the selflessness with which Jesus gave his life to save humanity.  But let’s remember, Jesus was truly human too.  If I knew I was about to save humanity, but in doing so would have to be killed by those very same people, I’d be inclined to write a pretty harshly worded letter myself (among other things). Even a fruit basket would have been better than what happened next.

4. Socrates: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

What he meant to add: “But it can be a lot of fun.”

Socrates always told us to never go through life without taking a look at the choices we make.  That never meant you couldn’t let loose once in a while. In fact, Socrates was quite a hell-raiser in his day.  Though he focused on self-examination, Socrates was known to have a ball once in a while.  (Two of them, actually, considering his abiding love of adolescent boys.)  Those mindless reality TV shows?  Boy, if only Socrates were alive today, he’d be a huge fan.

This is but a sampling of the world’s greatest minds caught in the usual cycle of human thought.  Sometimes, what you say doesn’t always match up with what you meant to say.  So before you cite that great Shakespeare quote in your next essay, give it a second glance. “Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind/And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” Beauty is not the most important thing when it comes to love? Or yo, man, she’s only as ugly as you tell yourself she is—take one for the team …. What was he really trying to say?