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In This Issue

• The Spec's Front Page (PDF)
• Matthew Fox Strips Naked, Insults Graduates
• Krishna vs. Christianity
• Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
• Secret Society No Longer Secret to Sniffer-Outers of Secrecy
• New York's Preschools Seek Swingset Leaders
• Bitches Got the Right to Shut the Fuck Up
• Before They Were Great Quotations
• An Inconvenient Truth Is Unsafe at Any Speed
• Spectator Copy Editor Shares Typical Evening
• Dancing Tops Crappy American Exports to UK
• Columbia Spectator: Op-Eds (PDF)
• Spec Staff Editorial: What the Fuck, Man
• Spec Sexportations: Delivering Our Children
• Spec PERSPECTIVES: Importance of History
• Spec: Corrections
• Spec: Letters to the Editor
• Prezbo v. Hamiltron
• THEY Watch

The Columbia community has long been aware of its own prestige but until recently had been made to feel somewhat inadequate by the fact that it is seemingly unworthy of the famous secret societies of other schools. Yale’s Skull and Bones club, so legendary that some refer to it simply as the Skulls, has been the subject of countless novels and films, not to mention the speculation of idle, conspiracy-seeking minds. At Columbia, the only entity even approaching the lofty status of a secret society was the Living and Learning center, with its headquarters in the Hartley and Wallach dorm buildings.

Until now, that is. Spectador informant Paul N. Eumatic has revealed that such a society does in fact exist on campus. His investigation led to a list of names—members of the society—which he called “… so secret that [the members] don’t even know it exists.” In an exclusive interview, he explained, “I was quite surprised, really. Here was this preponderance of evidence all pointing towards the existence of this group, this cabal, yet no one in the society knew they were in it. In most cases, they didn’t even know each other. It wasn’t like they were trying to hide anything—I had an airtight case against all of them. They were genuinely puzzled.” Group member Xavier LeMonde (name changed to preserve  anonymity) contributed the following: “Yeah, I’m still not quite sure what this is all about. This guy, Paul, kept showing me this list of names and pointed to my name right on it, like I couldn’t see it or something. I’ve never even heard of any of these [people]. I think one of them is in my Music Hum[anities] class, but that’s it.” He added, “I guess it’s not like a frat or anything, because I never consciously did anything to join, but members get some kind of benefit later in life, right? Like with the Skulls, they all help each other out in getting jobs and stuff.”

The implications are not so clear cut, however. The logistical issues inherent in the nature of the society have confused some of Columbia’s finest thinkers. Economist Jeffrey Sachs of Columbia’s Earth Institute admitted to being completely stumped by the situation. “I’m really not sure how that would work,” he said, “where no one in the society actually knows about the society. Who’s the leader? Does he know who the other members are? How do they communicate? How does your informant know that this group exists if the members don’t even know it exists? Can it even be said to exist if its members aren’t aware of it? I don’t really know, you might want to talk to Brian [Greene, notable Columbia physicist] about it, he deals with this kind of stuff a lot.” The Spectador confronted Eumatic about his evidence, whereupon he became inexplicably agitated. “Look,” he replied, “don’t turn this around on me. You got the list, and I have evidence to back up every single name on that list. There might even be more, for all I know. Why are you asking an economist, anyway? There’s no supply here, there’s no demand here, just this group, no one even knows what it’s called, and they’re at Columbia. Okay?” Upon further questioning of his evidence, he shouted, “Don’t worry about it!” The Spectador thus concludes that whatever evidence is in Eumatic’s possession fully supports the existence of the society. “To sum it up,” Eumatic said, “we have to be very careful that they don’t start taking over Columbia’s administration or something like that. Because we definitely won’t know what’s happening. I mean, they probably won’t even know what’s happening. But it will happen. And we have to be ready.”

But will this society attempt to gain control of the administration? A member of the faculty speculated that the administration may have in fact created the society in order to gain prestige and recognition. Upon learning of the society, he said, “It sounds to me like something this strange couldn’t have just formed itself—I wouldn’t be surprised if the administration cooked it up to get on the same footing as Harvard and Yale.”