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In This Issue

• The Spec's Front Page (PDF)
• Matthew Fox Strips Naked, Insults Graduates
• Krishna vs. Christianity
• Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
• Secret Society No Longer Secret to Sniffer-Outers of Secrecy
• New York's Preschools Seek Swingset Leaders
• Bitches Got the Right to Shut the Fuck Up
• Before They Were Great Quotations
• An Inconvenient Truth Is Unsafe at Any Speed
• Spectator Copy Editor Shares Typical Evening
• Dancing Tops Crappy American Exports to UK
• Columbia Spectator: Op-Eds (PDF)
• Spec Staff Editorial: What the Fuck, Man
• Spec Sexportations: Delivering Our Children
• Spec PERSPECTIVES: Importance of History
• Spec: Corrections
• Spec: Letters to the Editor
• Prezbo v. Hamiltron
• THEY Watch

8:00 p.m. – Arrive at the Spec office.

8:07 p.m. – Sit down in front of my computer.

8:11 p.m. – Ignore whoever is talking to me.

8:18 p.m. – Wait for work to do.

8:31 p.m. – Still waiting.

8:40 p.m. – Drum on desk with fingers. Try to say “redrum” in Morse code.

8:44 p.m. – Article arrives for editing.

8:46 p.m. – Much moaning, in shock to find article has no periods, period.

9:02 p.m. – Finish turning a mess into something coherent, and send it off.

9:05 p.m. – Solitaire time!

9:22 p.m. – Mission accomplished. Lost five games of solitaire in a row.

9:25 p.m. – Much yelping as I realize that there has been an article waiting for me to edit for the past sixteen minutes.

9:37 p.m. – Read the article four times; still don’t know what it’s about.

9:38 p.m. – What the hell is going on?

9:40 p.m. – I get the original draft emailed to me.

9:43 p.m. – Wow, this article is pretty decent, stupid editors must have screwed it up. Cretins!

9:50 p.m. – Still working on the ruined article.

10:11 p.m. – Send article in, breathe, then smack my head when I see that I still have another four articles to go through.

11:00 p.m. – My fingers kill, but the articles are done.

11:02 p.m. – I ask if I can leave. The answer is no.

11:09 p.m. – Wonder when I last read an issue of the Spec.

11:13 p.m. – Wonder when anyone last read the Spec.

11:15 p.m. – Too bad the Spec isn’t made out of soft material.

11:16 p.m. – Then I could use it to wipe my ass, hahaha.

11:26 p.m. – hahahahahahaha.

11:28 p.m. – People are staring at me.

11:31 p.m. – Get coffee.

11:36 p.m. – Return, fight urge to kill self, consider not sitting back down.

11:37 p.m. – Sit down. I have no will power.

11:40 p.m. – Might as well get back to work …

11:44 p.m. – I really hate these pretentious editorials.

11:51 p.m. – God, the Spec sucks.

12:01 a.m. – Holy fuck, I can make bunny rabbits with my fingers!

12:10 a.m. – I hate bunny rabbits.

12:13 a.m. – Someone is talking to me.

12:14 a.m. – Okay, either he is asking me out or he is a Jehovah’s Witness.

12:15 a.m. – I kind of hope he’s asking me out.

12:26 a.m. – Wake up.

12:34 a.m. – Wake up.

12:35 a.m. – Start working on another article.

12:48 a.m. – Realize that I made the article even worse.

12:49 a.m. – Send it in anyways.

12:52 a.m. – Wait, did I say yes to that guy who asked me out?

1:03 a.m. – Decide to leave.

1:12 a.m. – Why haven’t I left yet?

1:16 a.m. – Now I am really leaving.

1:21 a.m. – FUCK WHERE IS MY I.D. CARD?