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In This Issue

• The Spec's Front Page (PDF)
• Matthew Fox Strips Naked, Insults Graduates
• Krishna vs. Christianity
• Last Book of Potter Pilfered, Rowling "Shocked"
• Secret Society No Longer Secret to Sniffer-Outers of Secrecy
• New York's Preschools Seek Swingset Leaders
• Bitches Got the Right to Shut the Fuck Up
• Before They Were Great Quotations
• An Inconvenient Truth Is Unsafe at Any Speed
• Spectator Copy Editor Shares Typical Evening
• Dancing Tops Crappy American Exports to UK
• Columbia Spectator: Op-Eds (PDF)
• Spec Staff Editorial: What the Fuck, Man
• Spec Sexportations: Delivering Our Children
• Spec PERSPECTIVES: Importance of History
• Spec: Corrections
• Spec: Letters to the Editor
• Prezbo v. Hamiltron
• THEY Watch

America needs leaders with guts: people willing to actually fight for us, not lie down on train tracks. Luckily, for the past couple of years we have been blessed with such a leader. George W. Bush possesses inordinate amounts of strength, resolution, and courage.  As America has been beset by dangerous threats, President Bush has been our samurai protector. When terrorists attacked America, Bush invaded another country as soon as possible. While he may lack finesse, President Bush knows how to protect us from harm.

    Not against all harm, though. Bush may be a Jedi Master in defeating terrorists, but terrorism is not the only peril out there, and Bush is not the most effective in dealing with those other threats. His expertise lies in the Middle East. As new menaces arise, new leaders must arise as well, leaders with the same vigor that Bush has, to fight our enemies like Bush does.  

    Now it appears that Bush has found some unlikely successors. For years, Al Gore and Ralph Nader have been the Dan Quayles of politics—the fools that everyone mocked and gave wedgies.  A dead Terri Schiavo could have torn them to pieces. But not anymore. Al Gore and Ralph Nader have grown themselves some spines. They are willing to fight for America’s survival, no matter the cost.

    By the time the 2008 presidential election rolls around, America will have defeated the terrorist threat, and we will be able to sigh with relief. However, Al Gore and Ralph Nader will not be sighing for long—they know that terrorism is not the only threat out there. Global warming is a very real danger that affects all of us in the most profound way. If elected as President and Vice President, Gore and Nader will fight global warming as effectively and fiercely as Bush has fought terrorism.

    Gore and Nader won’t waste time talking. Instead, they will go right to the heart of the issue and stop global warming at its source. Their first official act in office will be to propose a large-scale military offensive against S.U.V.-driving mothers. Environmental experts across the globe agree that S.U.V.-driving mothers are the greatest cause of global warming.  Gore and Nader want to use the full might of the American armed forces to seek and destroy these women of mass destruction. Other politicians think that talking can stop global warming. Al Gore and Ralph Nader know that those politicians are naïve Frenchies. Only strong, resolute force works in these troubled times. Having a dream is nice and cute, but a guided missile is much more effective.

    Gore and Nader are raising funds to sponsor an advanced research and development project; the New Jersey Project is aimed at creating purpose-built S.U.V.-hunting missiles. These missiles will be able to lock onto S.U.V.s’ massive exhaust heat signature and home in with amazing accuracy to deliver over 2000 pounds of high-explosive ordnance.  The missiles are expected to be so precise that  the military will be able to take out a single S.U.V. on a crowded freeway without endangering any other cars.

    The war against global warming will not stop with a simple military offensive. After they have decimated

the likes of S.U.V.-driving mothers, Gore and Nader are aware that they will have to take steps to ensure that a new generation of W.M.D.s does not arise. To achieve their goal, they plan on instituting two connected systems. The first will be a new intelligence subgroup whose staff will be drawn from the ranks of the C.I.A. This organization, called Green Eyes, will monitor the activities of mothers across the nation, looking out for suspicious, anti-environmental activities. If Green Eyes identifies a specific mother as a threat, then the second system will take responsibility for her case. Gore and Nader plan on creating a special detainment center, commonly referred to as a “black site,” in Alaska to house mothers who are suspected of being W.M.D.s.  In this center, nicknamed Xanadu, mothers will be interrogated in order to discover any information that they may have about fellow anti-environmentalists.

    Civil libertarians have attacked the Gore–Nader plan, and especially Green Eyes, alleging that it will establish illegal institutions that violate the privacy of American citizens. Furthermore, they say that the interrogation that will happen at Xanadu will be nothing more than inhumane torture. The reality is that global warming is a very serious threat, and Gore and Nader know that it has to be defeated before it defeats all of us. The temporary loss of some rights for the worst members of society is infinitely better than your great-great-grandkids being uncomfortably warm.

    Gore and Nader are not willing to work alone. They want the public to assist in the war against global warming.  It is our environment, and we should take some responsibility in protecting it. To promote active cooperation from the people, Gore and Nader have some ideas they want to turn into realities.  They will offer monetary rewards for citizen’s arrests of persons engaging in anti-environmental activities. A television show is being planned, made for little children, to instill the greatness of the environment in the minds of our youth. And so on and so on, the list of ideas goes on; Gore and Nader are constantly thinking about ways to protect us.  Al Gore and Ralph Nader are with us. We should be with them.  In November 2008, if you don’t vote Gore–Nader, you’re letting global warming win.