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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

This month, in an epidemic reminiscent of the SARS era, the much-overlooked cancer of the foreskin peeled across the Bible Belt.  The uncircumcised community in America numbers nearly 60 million, all of whom are terrified.  In an effort to escape the plague, millions of these gentiles are choosing to convert to Judaism.  The Jewish community is enthralled; it appears they have finally been sanctioned by God and cancer to trim every eight year-old’s best friend in a cigar chopper.  “We just couldn’t be happier,” said Rabbi Marty Von Leibowitzen.  “It doesn’t really get any more Chosen Peopley than this.”  

    But why do these genitally fearful not simply get the operation without all the pomp of conversion?  Simple: the bris.  Rabbi Von Liebowitzen explained that the secular procedure is dull and emotionless, while bris milah, the ceremony of circumcision, is “like another Sweet Sixteen.”  The newly-chosen people agree. “No one wants to part with their prepuce without a party,” said Semite-in-training Bill Powlitchowski.  “The Jews know how to pamper a schlong.”

    The conversion is a thorough one, as relatives of the nouveau-Jews have noticed.  Said Christy Samuels of her husband Frank post-op, “he complains more.”  Still, Mr. Samuels revealed that moments after the operation was complete, he received phone calls from a number of banks asking him if he wanted to splash around in a pool of gold coins or take the famed “bath with Mr. Franklin.” Other wives have noticed that their husbands are more prone to sinus infenction and are “thriftier.”

    In recent weeks, Jews have expanded from 1.3 % of  the population to 11%.  They are expected to double that number before the new year — going from owning everything, to owning twenty everythings.  Until then, this reporter tells you Jews to cut the rest of your scholongs off too so you can’t keep making your Jewspawn.  It’s not like we’re any more likely to get cancer than you infidels.  Like you pr’aa!... what’s that?  it feels all burny and... oh God...! I feel...cold...

Reporter Contracts Forskin Cancer Mid-Article

Asia in Chaos, Sources Say

    Between words in his article “Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judaism,” reporter Arnold Lieberache contracted a dangerous and untreatable variety of cancer that affects solely the retractable roll of skin covering the end of the trouser snake.  According to Lieberache, he began to feel a burning sensation on his one-eyed pirate. Shortly after, his ovarian pool cue went numb, and Liebrach reports feeling “cold...”.  In response, many officially uncircumcised countries are taking extraordinary health precautions to protect Dr. Cyclops.  Some nations are at a loss for a plan, and have resorted to hiding their purple-headed yogurt slingers from the outdoors.  Inside his Disney-themed palace in Pyongyang, South Korean dicktator Kim Jong Il told reporters “aahhh,” while running in circles in the Mulan Room.

Sources Confuse Koreas

Go Fuck Yourself, Sources Say

    A few minutes ago, this humble paper printed a mistake in Dear Leader Kim Jong Il’s resume.  He is the dictator of the non compos mentis North Korea, not South Korea. We apologize to South Korean leader Roh Moo-hyun and his prime minister Han Duck-soo, the former for assuming his nation holds its governmental ceremonies in a Disney-themed palace, the latter because Netflix often ships him to our mailbox instead of the Marx Brothers film of similar name.  It was a vast error on our part to allot them more coastline then they claim; it is common knowledge that while North Korea has 2,495 km of coastline, South Korea has only 2,413.  And we erred once more in implying that South Korea had 980,000 telephone lines in use, when they can claim more than 23 million, and for this we apologize.

Joke Goes On Too Long

The Fed Lacks Sensibility, Sources Say