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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

Ria Mar-Fan

As Columbia students living in Manhattan, we know that merely surviving here costs a lot of money. To help you out, the caring staff of the Fed has compiled a list of some summer jobs that you might be interested around the tri-state area. Apply immediately, these jobs fill up fast!

Job Title: Club Security Guard

Employer: APO Night Club

Job Code: 3242 in the Village Voice

Location: West Village

Date: 04-05-2007

Job Type: Part Time (nights only)

Description: New club ISO burly, strong  man to work the door. Must be 6’+ and very    built, and in the habit of saying “no,” to pretty girls. Inability to say no to smoking hot girls okay. This is a very respectable establishment, so we do not accept fake IDs, unless the girl is a celebrity or will otherwise make us look good. If you are weak willed and only think with your cock, then this is not the job for you. Must pass strength and character testing, and it is preferable if you have been a cop, security guard, or body builder as a previous career. Email your resume to coldhardbitch@APO.com.

Job Title: Ramah Counselor

Employer: Ramah Camps

Job Code: 3290 in the Jewish Theological Seminary News Letter

Location: any Ramah Camp of your choosing

Date: 03-31-2007

Job Type: Full Time

Description: Ramah Camps is looking for several other young, hip, responsible, JEWISH, caring college students to be counselors at different camps located all over the United States. This JEWISH camp has campers from ages 8 to 15, and is strictly kosher as well as observant (Shabbat laws). Counselors are expected to confiscate any unkosher candy or treats sent in by campers’ parents by mail as well as any electronics the camper may try to use on the holy Shabbat. Must have prior knowledge of Hebrew songs and prayers and be willing to lead in front of 300 kids at any given time. Also must be able to spend one night a week awake as Shmirah, or “guard” in Hebrew to make sure our lovely little yeladim (children) don’t run off into the woods and do certain activities which are not permissible. Send resume and application to Ramah Camps, 4th Floor Jewish Theological Seminary. Need not apply if you are a gentile.

Job Title: Starbucks Barista

Employer: Starbucks Int.

Job Code: 1419 in the New York Times

Location: Anywhere

Date: 4-12-2007

Job Type: Full Time

Description: Because we are strong-willed bosses and have obnoxious customers, we need to keep replacing our baristas. You as a person are expendable because everyone wants a chance to work at Starbucks. You would be lucky to work here. You had better be worth my time since I’m now expected to train you in like, 5 minutes flat. Preferably attractive, you should be tall enough to see over the counter, and also have knowledge of the American monetary system. Dark-rimmed glasses or interestingly colored hair a plus. Must be comfortable with being hit on for hours at a time by every single customer of various races, creeds, gender, age, etc. We will hire idiots, however it is really not desirable. Please contact sikofblsht@starbucks.com with name, phone number, and preferred Starbucks location (not at a Barnes and Noble; we are not affiliated) and we will let you know.

Job Title: Pool Boy

Employer: Mr. Livingston

Job Code: 2375 in the New York Times

Location: Syosset, NY

Date: 03-20-2007

Job Type: Full Time

Description: Seeking an experienced, hard working young man who is open to new ideas. Must be well-toned, tan, around 6’, with light hair and light eyes. Must be comfortable walking around in, and capable of filling out a speedo. Those with previous experience preferred. Also preferred: established submissives. No knowledge of pools necessary.

Job Title: Cat Sitter

Employer: Ms. Francine Geoffrey

Job Code: 4394 in the New York Post

Location: Upper East Side

Date: 04-02-2007

Job Type: Part Time

Description: Looking for an extremely responsible, caring and wonderful person who will be able to watch my cats from 2 PM until 4 PM daily while I go to my tap class. Must have 10+ years experience with cats and be able to handle multiple tasks at once. My calico, Annie, is missing her hind right leg and needs constant attention. My black cat with white spot over her right eye, Melinda, is blind and also requires constant attention. This position requires you have a lot of experience taking care of the disabled. My persian, Lily, is suicidal. You must keep the windows closed. Also, clinical psychology experience a plus. Finally Abigail, my Maine Coon, really dislikes tuna. It makes her gag. She too, requires constant attention.   17 cats total. If interested, please send your resume to The Fed and they will forward it to me. I will not give out my address to strangers!

Job Title: Pre-College Program Counselor

Employer: Columbia University

Job Code: 2349 in the Columbia Spectator

Location: Columbia University

Date: 4-10-2007

Job Type: Full Time

Description: Seeking a student who will be able to deal with the bratty and uncouth rising high school seniors who will take every opportunity to cock-block your attempt to copulate with the attractive ones amongst them at any given time. We are desperate and will accept anyone for this job. It is preferable if you have been an RA or counselor before, but not strictly necessary as you really aren’t expected to ever talk to the kids at all. “Counselor” is merely a job title, not an actual position. The only mandatory events are move-in day and leaving day and you only need to be in your room to prove that PCP is a very esteemed and respectable program. Send your name, year in school as of Fall 2007 and telephone number to Office of College Admissions if interested. We will hire anyone. Please, for the love of God. We’ll give you free housing. No other information necessary.