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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

The Fed brings you this a one-on-one interview with Don Imus.

Talk radio host Don Imus has dominated the news for the past few weeks with near-constant coverage of his bizarre and controversial rant against the Women’s Basketball team of Rutgers University. What kind of target is this, Don? At least Rush Limbaugh has the decency to attack legitimate enemies like poverty activists, Nelson Mandela, and 5-year-old girls with adorable speech impediments. The controversy reached its climax on April 12th when Imus was fired by CBS – not because of the offensive nature of his comments – but reportedly because of all the negative media coverage his comments caused, validating diversity councilors and WNBA fans all over America, all 12 of them. I was lucky enough to secure interview with Mr. Imus just minutes after his firing.

Michael Grinspan (MG): Thank you for speaking with me, Mr. Imus. I know that you have been very busy recently dealing with the uproar over you recent comments…

Don Imus (DI): Yes, it’s been a very trying time. If I had known what I said was going to get me fired, I would’ve called in sick that day!

MG: [Laughs] Now, for our readers who don’t know, would you please repeat the controversial comments you made about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team, who recently reached the finals of the NCAA Division I Women’s Basketball tournament.

DI: I simply referred to these girls as “running up and down the court like a bunch of nappy headed hos.” In understand that my comments were offensive – and for that I have apologized many, many times. I don’t think that they merit my dismissal.

MG: What particular part of your comment do you think the players found most offensive? Was it the racial implications? [The majority of Rutger’s team is African-American]

DI: No. I don’t think it was the racial implications of the comment that upset them the most. I’ve talked with them since and they said that what they found most offensive was the way I mischaracterized them as athletes and their sport as a whole.

MG: Oh?

DI: Yes. I called these female basketball players “nappy headed hos” and that was wrong of me. A much more appropriate characterization of these female basketball players would’ve been as “mannish lesbians.”

MG: “Mannish lesbians” could potentially be an offensive characterization, too, Mr. Imus.

DI: You’re right. I probably should’ve called them “jockstrap-wearing she-he’s” or “Dike-kembe Mutumbo’s.” But I am not here to debate hypotheticals or semantics. Now that I am unemployed, I’m not going to hide how I really feel.

MG: You truly believe your comments are rooted in the truth?

DI: Hey, sometimes, the truth can be offensive and I’m not going to candy coat it. The majority of female basketball players are lesbians.

MG: Well, I’ll admit the rate of homosexuality might be marginally higher among female athletes than the general population, but you simply cant generalize like that.

DI: Look, I’m not the commissioner of the NCAA. I’m not the president of Rutgers. I’m not even employed, so from now on, I’m calling ‘em as I see ‘em.

MG: I was hoping you’d say that. Mr. Imus, would you mind giving us your opinion on some other notable female athletes?

DI: I’d be delighted to.

MG: What is your opinion of LPGA champion Annika Sornestam?

DI: I think he’s a great golfer. He’s a real class act and a genuine talent. Plus he probably has some huge balls underneath his skirt.

MG: How about track star Flo Jo [Florence Griffith Joyner]?

DI: “Flo Jo?” More like “Homo Jo.”

MG: Layla Ali?

DI: Gayla A-he-she.

MG: Michelle Wie?

DI: Michelle He.

MG: Mia Hamm?

DI: She-a Dyke. Look, you asked me for my opinion and I gave it to you.

MG: Mr. Imus, are you seriously implying that all female athletes are lesbians?

DI: Of course. All successful women are lesbians.

MG: That’s patently untrue. What about Sappho, Eleanor Roosevelt, Suze Orman, or Hillary Clinton. [Pause.] You know, I think you may have a point there.

DI: It doesn’t really matter if what I say has a point. This is America and in America, you should be able to say whatever you want without repercussions. I made a dumb joke, but isn’t our constitution based on the idea that if you tell a dumb joke you shouldn’t immediately be forced into welfare?

MG: I believe that’s the 6th Amendment.

DI: And all those lesbians have the right to assume things about radio talk show hosts, too. It’s a two way street. Just because I call them out for being lesbians doesn’t mean they cant call us out for being too ugly for television, which is why we are on the radio. What ever happened to good, old fashioned war of words?

MG: Fascinating point; you make many fascinating, controversial, reckless points. Thank you for taking time to speak with us, Mr. Imus. Good luck finding a new job.