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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

Stop trying to fight global warming. Remember, every time you walk somewhere instead of driving, someone is trying to clear the trees out of his yard by poisoning them with CFC-based deodorant. Besides, we could use some variety in the weather. Having four seasons every year is old-hat by now. What if, instead of having four every year, we had four seasons every day?

Think about it. It wouldn’t be that bad. Actually, it could be pretty nice. You would wake up to a warm drizzle and see flowers blossoming. “Spring,” you could wax poetically to no one in particular, “is in the air.” You would then get to work just in time for a warm summer. Or, if you are unemployed, you could meet other unemployed people at the beach and have a great time amongst yourselves. Make sure you get off the beach before autumn, though, because it will probably start raining. Autumn is also when the people who work so that you can sit around on the beach all day will leave. They deserve to go home too, remember. Be careful driving home, though, because those wet leaves on the ground can make your car skid out of control just as well as ice can. Speaking of ice, it will probably be winter by the time you are ready to go to sleep. You may want to sit in front of your fireplace and try to read On The Road for the third time without falling into a deep pit of despair. If you don’t like the cold weather, you don’t have to worry because it will be spring again in the morning. Or, if you’re an early riser, you can go outside before the snow melts.Obviously, there are some problems with this pattern. Farmers will have to either harvest every day or grow all their crops indoors. Birds will need to develop the ability to fly at incredible speeds so they can make the round trip to Florida every day. This is unfortunate for the farmers, but it will be a sacrifice for the greater good. The new turbo-birds would be great, though. Once we train them to carry letters in their talons, owls will become obsolete as post carriers. So remember, there is no reason to resist change in the weather—variety is the spice of life.