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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

Sarah Levin

Anna Zeliworth opened her email two weeks ago to discover a rather nasty surprise. Sitting in the inbox was a rejection letter from Columbia, the third one in a string of college rejections. But as an honors student, volunteer at her local orphanage, and captain of her soccer team, Anna Zeliworth was a perfect candidate. So what went wrong?

This month, more than 3 million high school students are receiving rejections from universities. From Topeka to Santa Monica, these students find themselves rejected and put on waitlists despite all their efforts to create the perfect resume. For the class of 2011, Columbia alone received over 49,658 applications. In the end they only admitted 1,001 students, creating a record breaking low admissions rate of 2.02%. This not only beats out Harvard’s lowest admissions rate of 9% by a long shot, but even tops Cooper Union’s art program by two percent. To some at the US News, this establishes Columbia as a “top dog” in the college world, beating out all other universities ever. Others, namely godless Yale reporters, write alternatively, dubbing Columbia merely the “minor king of the admissions rate hill.” But the issue of whether Columbia is at heart a blue-blooded king or a warm-blooded canine obscures a larger question: why Columbia at all?

Kate Hernandez of Columbia Admissions has one theory. “More than ever, students are realizing the benefits of being in New York City and the ‘real life’ education it can give them,” she said in a phone interview. While more ignorant people think of Columbia as just another Ivy institution filled with polo shirts and… well… ivy, Columbians and prospective students know better. A recent scan of applications this year yielded a plethora of key phrases such as “hard knock education” and “cut throat competition” as well as an array of “gansta rap” quotations such as “I’ve got my mind on the money and money on my mind.” Ben, CC ‘07, writes: “Yes, I’d say Columbia definitely puts you in tougher situations. Sure, in New Haven you will get asked for money, but where else other than Columbia, will you get panhandled and then mugged?” Other students agree. Katy, BC ‘10, writes, “Just last week, my roommate got hit by a taxi and then kicked by the taxi driver who ran her over. That’s a real life experience right there.” Certainly authentic situations like these do put Columbia students through a tough and rough educational experience, but one has to wonder if these Columbians are in a better position to deal with reality after college. “It definitely helps you gain street cred,” John, CC ‘08, says. “People look at a Columbia graduate and they know. They know that person has not only a comprehensive understanding of linguistics and number theory, but they know that person could kick ass in a fight and then swim 75 yards away to yell trash talk at their victims, citing Hegel all the while.”

Yet on the surface of the corporate world, it would seem that trash-talking investment bankers might not always have a long shelf life. How does this “street smart” style translate into the workplace? Why are Columbians with “street cred” sought out in the industrial world? In a recent statement, Apple CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs wrote, “You always know a Columbia graduate in the Apple workplace by their ‘unicorns’ music and street smart jargon like ‘fu h;cking socially conscious demographic,’ ‘dope stats report,’ and ‘mad ironic human condition in this po-mo context.’ They work hard, use quasi-scientific trope, and mesh with the modern social narrative while maintaining a fantastic style of dress.” With this coming from the head of one of the most successful companies of the past five years, it is not hard to see why Columbia graduates are easily integrating. Unlike their ivory towered ivy counterparts, they bring fun and pretension to any workplace while maintaining “street cred.”

Furthermore, Columbians retain a sense of trueness to their roots and will always be willing to pay a little homage or money to their Morningside Heights homeboys. The new applicants this year understand this well and look forward to being admitted to this all-loving, all-hating hood. Many are prepared for some tough years ahead, but many more walk faithfully towards their first CAVA experience. This is remarkably insightful on their part, so to the palindromic 1001 admitted to the august class of 2011, good luck and godspeed. A hearty welcome to you, and a heartier “fuck you.”