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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

With the cost of a prestigious Columbia education increasing to $50,000 and the life of one’s first-born child for the 2007-2008 academic year, many students are forgoing unpaid internships working for politicians or campaigning for gerontophile rights in favor of various well-paying occupations.  While some students can earn sufficient cash working in Daddy’s office, others lacking “the hook-up” must often take on less cushy, or in some cases less than legal, occupations in order to pay their bills bills bills.  Described below are some suggestions for unconventional summer jobs that can bring in the big bucks.

Selling oneself piecemeal: Organ/Egg/Sperm/Soul Sales - Who needs that extra kidney While selling one’s organs is not yet legal, the black market for those cute little urine machines is booming. It’s not like you’re ever going to find yourself saying “gee, I wish I had that extra urea-processing power right now!” But there’s more of your God-given body you can hawk than just extraneous organs. For the over-21-and-vaginally-possessed crowd that don’t mind the odd invasive procedure every once in a while, selling an ivy-educated egg can rake in up to a year’s tuition! Unfortunately, gamete donation is one field in which women are paid much better than men, who on average get just enough for a crazy night at Nacho’s for their cup o’ baby batter.

Selling oneself Barnard style: Prostitution - Not for the meek, this summer occupation is still a tried and true way to get rich quick. Ever seen Pretty Woman? Exactly. Variations in appearance, skills, and gag reflex determine exact hourly rates.

Corporate Pick-Pocket: Wear a suit to blend in with all of the unpaid intern bitches (suckers!) and ride up and down the crowded elevators of corporate offices. When the occupants are distracted by a cell-phone call/amphetamine psychosis, swipe some fat wallets from the overpaid execs. The commute to the financial district is well worth this job’s perks.  Not only does it pay well, but has a Robin Hood appeal of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, or at least the lazy, disinclined upper-middle class (i.e. yourself, you sad waste of space).

Paparazzi: When the weather gets warm, parks, trendy shopping areas, and overpriced outdoor cafes are swarming with celebs.  Best-sellers are shots of female celebs scarfing down large meals, couples arguing, non-couples who appear to be together, and celebabies. Stars to avoid for the sake of one’s own personal safety include Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin, and LinsLo (when behind the wheel).

Liquor/Cigarette Purchaser: For those 21/18 or older (or with an ID stating such), an easy way to make money is to grossly overcharge New York teens for alcohol or tobacco products. You make money and they get drunk/look cool. It is a win/win situation. Potential clients are easy to spot. Stick to the Upper East Side and scan the streets for pastel Lacoste polos. An added bonus is that they pay in cash, but tip in 15-year-old girls. Now that is hella tight.

Dog Nanny: Oddly enough, New Yorkers are willing to shell out more per hour for you to follow around their designer-accessorized pooches with a plastic baggy than to watch their actual children, who are generally lost-cause heroin addicts or indie-music devotees by age four. Perks of the job are sunny afternoons in Central Park and getting to spend time with cute animals. Downsides including stooping down to pick up the fecal matter of a creature named after a pastry (Muffins, Honeybun, Devildog, etc.) that has more bling on its collar than you can ever hope to accumulate.

Webmaster's Note: The author is a Barnard College sophomore.