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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

Michael Bredin

In the run-up to the 2047 Presidential election of Spacetopia, the competing candidates hold a series of debates as part of their promotional campaigns. Our cast of characters: Joseph Colbert of the incumbent Worker’s Party, and Piers Gough of the Reform Party. A live screening from Alpha Moonship 1 over the compu-hyper-globalnet gave citizens the following broadcast:

Gough: Citizens of Spacetopia, the time has come for change. There is something wrong with a government that neglects its people, and turns its back on the economy. The time has come for a fresh face in office, and on that note, I present to you exhibit a. If you’ll look to this slide, you’ll see a photograph of your current president, Joseph Colbert, in 2006 photograph from the website “Facebook” chugging a handle of gin. Look at his manic grin, the bulge in his eyes as the liquor gushes down his throat. Now, I ask you: is this the sort of character you would expect in your leader?

Colbert: Good, loyal Spacetopians, I must begin in protest of these allegations placed before me.   Although I admit to the incident with the handle, I suggest that my competitor has his fair share of demons as well. If you’ll cast your eyes to exhibit b, you’ll see a photograph that my researchers unearthed from Gough’s “Facebook” profile from 2007. In this, witness my rival candidate upside-down with a tube in his mouth, gripping a keg of beer while his cheering colleagues hold him steady. If I flip to the next slide, we see the conclusion to the evening’s events – Senator Gough, clearly unconscious, with various writings on his forehead. “n00bs?” “goat love?” “I <3 da buttz?” Clearly this type of weak-willed and easily manipulated character cannot be presidential material.

Gough: Although the n00bs incident was certainly not my college high point, I argue that I did keep a loyal and honest head throughout. If you’ll turn to this screenshot of President Colbert’s “Facebook” profile from October 23, 2007, it clearly states that he was “in a relationship” with Melissa Lockhart at the time. This makes a certain quote placed on the wall of Jessica Flanagan at 4:23 am on October 27 all the more interesting – “Girl u know wher its at we always got sumthin goin on sexi holla at me oh shit im so HI right now” Can a man like this, who treats his dedications as such, really be expected to be responsible for Spacetopia?

Colbert: When my researchers looked long and hard at Senator Gough’s “Facebook” profile from this era, certain discoveries were made which may bring further revelations about the man. I would like to present to the audience a photograph album compiled on this site, simply entitled “LOLZ.” In it, witness these various pictures of fluffy bunnies being tortured. Underneath are comments from Senator Gough such as “Kick the baby!!”, “LMAO harder, harder!!”, and “I really find this sort of thing funny.” What sort of human-being, indeed presidential candidate for 2047, can possibly have this mindset?

Gough: Although these allegations are clearly fabricated, certain traits of President Colbert’s “Facebook” profile which my researchers discovered when they looked long and hard bring even more horrifying conclusions about the man. His personal purchases on Facebook’s “gift feature” in 2008 give us the following shopping list: a white robe, a burning cross, a conical headpiece with eye slits cut out…all pieces which when assembled construct a Ku Klux Klan uniform! Are these merely harmless and adorable pixilated icons, or the seeds of something far more sinister? Can we really trust a man of this disposition?

Colbert: Fearless, loyal Spacetopians will not believe these blatant lies and false conclusions being made, and will understand they are simply a cheap con designed to gain political advantage. To prove that this is not the first time Senator Gough has engaged in such deceptive malpractices, I present to you a series of cover-ups from the popular website “Facebook” in 2006 where he tries to hide his twisted, cowtipping past. The note “Waaasted” posted on the site at 11:17pm on November 24 by one Jeremy Flaxman mentions Senator Gough as one of the participants in a weekend of toppling heifers, but Gough’s name is mysteriously removed shortly afterwards. Similarly, in a photo album of the posse in a field, one of the dark, blurry characters present removes all of the “tags” which identify him.

Very suspicious indeed! Is it possible that Senator Gough was actually embarrassed about some aspect of his private life? Is it possible that there was something he actually did not wish to reveal to the public? Such a desire is immoral, indeed inhuman. Citizens of Spacetopia, the choice stands before you. The blatant disregard my opponent shows for his public persona, and reckless protectionism of personal life, presents a presidential candidate unfit to lead the good citizens of our time.