Jamie Peck, Head Submissions Editor

"Do you really want to be remembered by everyone as that wrinkled old lady who eats applesauce and shits into a diaper? I, for one, would rather be recalled as the soul too lovely to be bound by this world, the girl who was 'consumed' by her own passion (and lung fluid)."

Michael Bredin, Graphics Editor

"Construction finishes on our first prototype, which we have lovingly called Derek. Armament and instruments of death have yet to be installed, but they will come after the first rounds of unit testing. There is a slight malfunction in that Derek has yet to respond to human commands, or to move in any sense. However, I am delighted with what the team has come up with so far-all ahead of schedule."

Marissa Edelman, Copy-Editor

"While the guys do love a pallid, dying woman, it's really tough to look sexy while simultaneously doing the nasty and hacking up a solid green ball of phlegm and disease."

Sophie Litschwartz, Assistant Layout Editor

"Every day I sit in my office (except Mondays and Fridays after four and before twelve-of course, those are my lunch and second-breakfast breaks, respectively) and assume my disguise as a mild-mannered paper pusher. Every day I change from that mild-mannered Clark Kent into Superman, except I don't use my powers for good and am considerably less spandex-clad. Some may say that my sort of power is trite and petty. But they're just jealous."

Arnold Park, Webmaster

"Nevertheless, rock doves are still a vital part of our environment. Along with its fellow brethren, the Norway rat, he serves as nature's garbage collectors, feeding off table scraps that would otherwise be wasted on homeless vagrants. Moreover, without the rock dove's daily waste output, purveyors of automotive care products and dry cleaning establishments would be denied a stable source of income."

Stephanie Quan, Secretary

"A recent scan of applications this year yielded a plethora of key phrases such as 'hard knock education' and 'cut throat competition' as well as an array of 'gansta rap' quotations such as 'I've got my mind on the money and money on my mind.' Ben, CC ‘07, writes: 'Yes, I'd say Columbia definitely puts you in tougher situations. Sure, in New Haven you will get asked for money, but where else other than Columbia, will you get panhandled and then mugged?'"

Andres Vedova, Assistant Graphics Editor

"And yes, a lot of crazy shit goes down in these wild plains. There are horses trampling people on the sidewalks, dangerous insects stinging your ass, inebriated natives trying to pick fights with you and unpredictable rains threatening to drown your iPod. Real outlaws listen to vinyl, bitch."