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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

Joseph Stiglitz's office hours.

Josh Nelson looked at the clock. It was nearing 5 PM on a Wednesday afternoon, his favorite part of the week. Almost time for him to head over to Mathematics, up to the undergraduate offices, and pick up the stack of papers he so looked forward to rummaging through and marking up with his special red fountain pen. “Here it goes again,” thought Josh, “they are never going to know what hit them. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.”

The position of Teacher’s Assistant has been a constant staple throughout the history of higher education. From the beginning, these (somewhat) older students have been there, through thick and thin, to aid professors, in ensuring that no matter how well you think you did on your homework, you WILL lose at least 3 points. Why? How could this be? You copied it straight out of the solution manual for crying out loud! In order to understand how these individuals get off on lowering your grade, it is necessary to take a closer look at the psyche of the TA; what goes on in that evil cranium of theirs.

We have all had that TA, who seemed like they were just out to get you. Lesson 1, you are correct. You think these people give a damn what you get on problem set #2 of the semester? They have been through all this shit before. Is it due to subconscious sado-masochistic desires or that time they were assaulted by a ream of loose-leaf paper? Either way they have somehow developed an aversion to large quantities of homework. Their only defense? The power that their title gives them: the chance to make sure you do not succeed.

On that note, why else would they not want you to do well? You’re the next generation. You’re better, faster, stronger. You have the capacity to blow their undergraduate achievements out of the water. Personally, they feel the duty, the responsibility to make sure that their accomplishments withstand the test of time, and that that “stoner kid who always sits in the front row” will not get the A+ that was so elusive during that TA’s undergrad years. You know those TA’s that seem to not be able to answer any of your questions? In this case, feigning ignorance is the last act of a desperate TA, trying to hold on to the last threads of their college career.

Also, remember, that the TA is a professor’s bitch. Organizing papers and exams, stapling, filing, re-stapling, re-filing, holding office hours at 8 AM; these TAs are subject to every whim and wish of those twisted, tenured souls. Where better to take out this anger? Surely standing up to the professor would be a terrible idea. But these doe-eyed first-years, fresh out of the caring cocoon that was high school? It is almost too easy to harm the freshman’s grade: it’s like shooting fish with a grenade. And as they see their own grade blowup in their face, the TA can sit there, offer false solace, and be personally content, realizing that the task has been done.

Always keep in mind, the TA is not your friend. Just because you think a fellow young person can “feel where you’re coming from” and what you are going through, there is no need to fraternize or socialize with them. They have been hardened and disillusioned by the cold, ruthless abyss that is higher education. Tread carefully, and you won’t get bitten.

Remember Josh Nelson, our Calc 3 TA who is heading over to pick up some students’ homework? His red pen got a real workout this day. So when you get back that sheet of paper, be glad for that 3/15. God knows you could have done much worse…