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In This Issue

• Crosstown Traffic
• In Fit Of Pique, Teaching Assistant Projects All Hatred, Fear, &c. Onto Students
• Global Warming Is For Lovers
• An Interview With Don Imus
• Fed Guide to Supreme Court Justices
• A Very Federalist Guide to Your Overstressed Finals Season
• Classifying Joint: Looking for Owkr? Look Again.
• Foreskin Cancer Converts Millions to Judiasm
• In AD 2047, Spacetopia Debate Was Beginning
• Record Low Admissions
• Short On Cash? Try These
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• Awkward Man
• The Fed's Libel Lounge
• THEY Watch
• A Subscription Offer From Your Friends at The Fed
• The Staff of Volume 22

THEY WATCH is voiceless. THEY WATCH has no face, no body. It moves as a phantom through smoke and mirrors, uncontested and un-editorialized.  As such, the Fed’s tri-weekly, self-referential indulgence of bitch shall begin:

I: “I propose a limitation on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting,” says singer Sheryl Crow as part of a list of ideas which will combat global warming, “except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.” Certainly, having more people jump on the green bandwagon is good – we cannot afford to be snobbish. But if you’re a celebrity who is fortunate enough to have a voice, then stick to where you’re needed the most: lobbying politicians to make long-term change at the top. We have plenty of people thinking up the stupid shit at our end. Bored celebrities with fantastic aspirations of saving the world in order to fill the little holes in their lives = THEY!!

II: Following the recent Virginia Tech shootings, Columbia responded by firing all of its student card-swipers and replacing them with beefy security guards. Now I was going to start on the sickening media frenzy down in Blacksburg, but let’s think about Columbia’s move for a second – are we really expecting something like this to happen on our campus?  The mindset that you have to take these precautions, despite the ridiculous odds against it, are a sad example of a culture of fear, and reveal a sobering disconnect between the students and the people who make such decisions. It’s almost surprising CU security didn’t drag out anyone suspect onto South Lawn and lock them all up in a cage in an all-out witch hunt. What we really need is more community building on campus, and such a move is only going to make us feel more miserable on campus. Administrative moves which look good on paper, but further paranoia and distrust amongst the student body = THEY!!