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In This Issue

• Lie-Hum: A Columbia-to-English Dictionary
• Dear Class Of 2011: Get Down And Get With It.
• Letter from the Editor
• Seven Days in New York
• Magna Carta Libertatum
• Portrait of a Columbia Hipster
• No Man Is An Island
• The Good Life, The Hard Life, The Drunk Life: A Guide To Columbia
• Facebook: The Great Relationship Historical Archive
• SEXILED! -- The Board Game
• Harry Potter And The Spoiled Finale
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• I Love Global Warming
• THEY Watch

Stephanie Quan welcomes the few, the proud, the froshpeople.

Anna Zeliworth opened her email last April to discover a rather nasty surprise. Sitting in the inbox was a rejection letter from Columbia, the third one in a string of college rejections. But as an honors student, volunteer at her local orphanage, and captain of her soccer team, Anna Zeliworth was a perfect candidate. So what went wrong?

This past May, more than 3 million high school students recieved rejections from universities. From Topeka to Santa Monica, these students find themselves out altogether or put on waitlists despite all their efforts to create the perfect resume. For the class of 2011, Columbia alone received over 49,658 applications to its undergraduate programs. In the end they only admitted 1,164 students out of 16,070 applicants, of which 1,001 accepted, creating a record-breaking low admissions rate of 8.9%. To some at the US News, this establishes Columbia as a “top dog” in the college world, beating out all other universities ever. Others, namely godless Yale reporters, write alternatively, dubbing Columbia merely the “minor king of the admissions rate hill.” But the issue of whether Columbia is at heart a blueblooded king or a warm-blooded canine obscures a larger question: why Columbia at all?

Kate Hernandez of Columbia Admissions has one theory. “More than ever, students are realizing the benefits of being in New York City and the ‘real life’ education it can give them,” she said in a phone interview. While more ignorant people think of Columbia as just another Ivy institution filled with polo shirts and… well… ivy, Columbians and prospective students know better. A recent scan of applications this year yielded a plethora of key phrases such as “hard knock education” and “cut throat competition” as well as an array of “gansta rap” quotations such as “I’ve got my mind on the money and money on my mind.” Ben, CC ‘07, writes: “Yes, I’d say Columbia definitely puts you in tougher situations. Sure, in New Haven you will get asked for money, but where else other than Columbia, will you get panhandled and then mugged?” Other students agree. Katy, BC ‘10, writes, “Just last week, my roommate got hit by a taxi and then kicked by the taxi driver who ran her over. That’s a real life experience right there.” Certainly authentic situations like these do put Columbia students through a tough and rough educational experience, but one has to wonder if these Columbians are in a better position to deal with reality after college. “It definitely helps you gain street cred,” John, CC ‘08, says. “People look at a Columbia graduate and they know. They know that person has not only a comprehensive understanding of linguistics and number theory, but they know that person could kick ass in a fight and then swim 75 yards away to yell trash talk at their victims, citing Hegel all the while.”

Yet on the surface of the corporate world, it would seem that trashtalking investment bankers might not always have a long shelf life. How does this “street smart” style translate into the workplace? Why are Columbians with “street cred” sought out in the industrial world? In a recent statement, Apple CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs wrote, “You always know a Columbia graduate in the Apple workplace by their ‘unicorns’ music and street smart jargon like ‘fucking socially conscious demographic,’ ‘dope stats report,’ and ‘mad ironic human condition in this po-mo context.’ They work hard, use quasi-scientific trope, and mesh with the modern social narrative while maintaining a fantastic style of dress.” With this coming from the head of one of the most successful companies of the past five years, it is not hard to see why Columbia graduates are easily integrating. Unlike their ivory towered ivy counterparts, they bring fun and pretension to any workplace while maintaining “street cred.”

Furthermore, Columbians retain a sense of trueness to their roots and will always be willing to pay a little homage or money to their Morningside Heights homeboys. The new students this year understand this well and look forward to immersing themselves in this all-loving, allhating hood. Many are prepared for some tough years ahead, but many more walk faithfully towards their first CAVA experience. This is remarkably insightful on their part, so to the palindromic 1001 of the august class of 2011, a hearty welcome, and a heartier “fuck you.”