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In This Issue

• Lie-Hum: A Columbia-to-English Dictionary
• Dear Class Of 2011: Get Down And Get With It.
• Letter from the Editor
• Seven Days in New York
• Magna Carta Libertatum
• Portrait of a Columbia Hipster
• No Man Is An Island
• The Good Life, The Hard Life, The Drunk Life: A Guide To Columbia
• Facebook: The Great Relationship Historical Archive
• SEXILED! -- The Board Game
• Harry Potter And The Spoiled Finale
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• I Love Global Warming
• THEY Watch

To our readers, old and new:

Hi there. If you’re new to this mysterious place, welcome! If you’re a muttering returnee gazing upon our newest denizens with a mix of bitterness and envy, cheer up! You were once as bright and chipper as they are, and they’ll soon develop those fashionable “Butler bags” under their eyes.

This is The Fed, Columbia’s alternative and satirical newspaper. We publish every three weeks. We consist of twelve pages made out of wood pulp and ink and so forth. Sometimes we are funny. Sometimes we are scathing. Sometimes we are your best friend who buys you a beer when your girl/guy/ “World of Warcraft” team leaves you, only to whisper into your ear that we were sleeping with said girl/guy/“World of Warcraft” team for the past six months. When you mention that you’d only been going out for four, we shake our heads and buy you another beer. That’s just how considerate we are! Also, get tested. We’re not sure, but there’s kind of a burning sensation these days. Perhaps it’s just our satirical vigor.

We weren’t always this way. Indeed, we were founded in 1986 as a paper intended to foster political dialogue. Since then, we’ve scraped through nearly twenty-two years of this place, juggling the political and the picaresque, balancing out scathing election commentary with scathing Bollinger hairstyle commentary.

But we come to this particular year feeling pretty optimistic. Our last volume was filled with a wonderful mix of material, from interviews with folks like Al Franken and Jon Voight to a careful depiction of just how tough it is to receive that fateful sock on the door (see page 5) to a few serious looks at drugs and money at Columbia. More importantly, we built up a great staff of writers, artists, and editors.

That’s where you come in. We’d like you to join us. We’re not interested in your pedigree or other whingings. As far as we care, if you’re interested in writing, illustrating, or laying out for us, you’re welcome here. We’re looking for creative people, sure, but we want to have a damn good time, too. If you fit the bill, what’re you waiting for?

I hope to see you at our first meeting on September 9th. In the meantime, panic over your classes, frantically finish the Iliad, or, if you’re one of those aforementioned bitter returnees, drown your sorrows in one of the few remaining neighborhood swill joints before you plop down in Butler. In a few days, this whole thing’s actually gonna start, and The Fed will be right there with you, spilling Jell-o shots on your nice shirt at that frat party, obnoxiously singing along to “Yeah” by Usher at 4 AM in Carman, and asking you if you’re gonna finish that congealing Salisbury steak in John Jay. We’re sorry.

Chas Carey, Editor-in-Chief

FIRST MEETING

SUNDAY, September 9th, 9 PM Lerner Hall - 5th Floor Club Space

email: thefed@columbia.edu