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In This Issue

• Lie-Hum: A Columbia-to-English Dictionary
• Dear Class Of 2011: Get Down And Get With It.
• Letter from the Editor
• Seven Days in New York
• Magna Carta Libertatum
• Portrait of a Columbia Hipster
• No Man Is An Island
• The Good Life, The Hard Life, The Drunk Life: A Guide To Columbia
• Facebook: The Great Relationship Historical Archive
• SEXILED! -- The Board Game
• Harry Potter And The Spoiled Finale
• What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• Tales of the Inexpressible
• I Love Global Warming
• THEY Watch

Dan Haley double-talks his way into your heart.

As you'll come to learn, a big part of college is misrepresenting yourself. From pretending to be cool at parties to pretending to be smart in Lit Hum, you're going to do a lot of lying at Columbia. You won't be very good at this at first-unless you're that kid on Carman 11 who keeps nailing all those hot girls. That guy's fucking smooth. But I digress; at this school, you're going to find that people say things they don't really mean. Without some type of sarcastic translation guide, you will certainly fall into prostitution or transfer to Cornell. Lucky for you, I've written just such a guide. May you prosper and bed many hipster girls during your time here. Also, major in economics. You will make more money and have a better life.

1. You’re going to notice that we have these internationals or something walking around campus trying to get you to study the bible with them. This is not what the cool kids do. “Would you like to join our bible study group?” = America scares me.

2. The prospective investment banker is a certain type of Columbia student. He is male, largely untalented and does not read books or magazines. He is going to going to drive a better car than you and fuck a more attractive woman. I’m sorry.

“I-banking is a great opportunity.” = I-banking is great opportunity for me to make a lot of money.

3. Unless you’re Rider Strong, Jonathan Taylor Thomas or another early 90s sitcom star, you probably got into this school because of your persistence and dedication. Sometimes, though, it’s best to give up.

“There is no way I will sleep with you.” = There is no way she will sleep with you.

4. After a random sexual encounter, girls want to be assured that that they did not just have a random sexual encounter. Be a good guy and lie. Or, if she’s hot, you’ve got a hottie with low self-esteem—call her in a week or two.

“You’ll call me, right?” = even though I let you penetrate me and call me dirty names, I’m still basically a really good girl, right?

5. You will come to realize that English is an essentially phony degree. I mean, you spend all your time reading books you like. No one can possibly reap long-term rewards from something like this.

“I’m an English major.” = I am reckless with my parents’ money. I am also bad at math.

6. Freshmen say stupid things. Most of it can be ascribed to a low alcohol tolerance and rap videos.

“Class of 2011 represent!” = Varsity athletes can put it in my ass. Not hockey, it’s a club sport.

7. The party line at Columbia is that the whole world is a social construct created at the beginning of time by some malevolent male demon. This may actually be the truth.

“Gender is a social construct.” = I am more annoying than you can even imagine.

8. There are winners and losers in college relationships. You know which one you are, and so does everyone else.

“Sweetheart, I just want you to be happy.” = Sweetheart, I just want to be really happy.

9. Conservatives will claim that going to Columbia has “put their beliefs to the test.” This is ridiculous. How could being placed on a campus full of the whiniest liberals on earth make you question your conser vatism? I almost turned conservative out of spite—actually, I think that’s why everyone turns conservative.

“Being a conservative on this campus really tests your beliefs.” = I have never seriously questioned my beliefs.

10. Let’s be real here. You might’ve done Columbia ED but that’s because Yale wouldn’t take you EA. Go Lions!

“Columbia was my first choice.” = I could not reasonably expect to be admitted to Harvard, Yale, Princeton or Stanford.