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Posted: August 2007

What Goes on in my Head While I Get Paid to Pick Pine Needles out of the Gravel at my Local Country Club

Rob Trump

Rachel Katz

I should invent a time machine.

And I should take a ludicrous amount of time to make it… like 50 years or something, just so after I’m done I can time travel back those 50 years and be all like, “Ha, suckers, you said I was stupid to be working for so long on a time machine, but now I have all the time I worked on it back!”

They’d probably be like, “Well I never said that,” and I’d be like, “Well, you will,” and then they’d be like “Well, not anymore,” and then I’d be like, “Fuck.”

But I’d still have a time machine.

I wonder what I’d do with those 50 years after I already had a time machine.

Maybe I’d build another.

No, wait, that’s really stupid.

…

I should build a time machine, though. Especially since it takes me effectively zero hours to build it because I can come right back to today once I’m done.

I’d better start now, though.

Shit, what if it doesn’t work? What if I can’t do it? What if I spend my whole life trying to build a time machine to go back and erase all the time I took to build it but then I just die?

That would suck.

I need to have a son.

Yeah, that’s the key. You have a son, and you tell him to keep working on it after you die.

He’d better have a son too, and they’d all better keep working on the time machine from now until whenever it’s completed. Then whoever completes it has to look at the big list of all the people who have ever worked on the time machine, and then they have to go back in time and bring all the time machine workers to the future or something, so that way I’ll get to reap the benefits of the time machine, because I started it, dammit.

Oh, and the time machine comes and visits you at the time you originally started working on it so I still get the same sweet benefit of having made a time machine, but I never really have to work on it or anything. After my descendant comes back, I mean.

Yeah, so the time machine will come pick me up right before I start working on it, and same for my son when he’s 19, and so on, and so on. Oh, damn, that’s cool.

Wait, what about my dad?

No, no, fuck him, he didn’t work on building the time machine.

Oh, shit, you know what? This is totally how you find out whether or not time travel is possible. You just get one guy willing to do all this and make sure his son and son’s son and stuff do all this, and then if he ever actually starts on the time machine, then it’s like, “Oh, fuck, nobody came and picked me up, so even though my son and grandson and great-grandson all spent all their lives working on it from now until eternity, it must not be possible because they didn’t succeed.” Then you know it’s impossible, and you can quit.

Except you have to be really serious about it at the start, or else it doesn’t work. You can’t be like, “Oh, I’m gonna build a time machine,” (wink, wink; nudge, nudge), “and so is my son,” only you’re lying and you don’t even really have a son and you don’t want a son and you’d be a bad father and stuff.

You’re not allowed to do that. You can’t fool time like that. You have to have real intentions of doing all this and going through with it, or else it doesn’t work.

I don’t think it does, at least.

There’s gotta be something wrong with this.

No, there totally isn’t. As long as you know that someone will always be working on the time machine from now until forever, even after the Earth blows up and shit, then if it’s doable, they have to be able to do it, so if you’re able to start then it’s impossible.

This is the sweetest test ever.

I swear to God there has to be something wrong with this, but there totally isn’t.

What if one of them doesn’t have a son?

No, that’s stupid. Obviously all my descendents will have my genes and will be really hot and can have lots of sex with hot people whenever they want, and then that way you know their kid will be hot and can have lots of sex whenever he wants, too.

Closed that loophole.

Oh, fuck.

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

What if one of them only has daughters?

Oh fuck.

The daughters will be all like, “Oh, hey, awesome idea weird nerd dad, yeah, I’ll go build a time machine,” but then they’ll go do other crap like go shopping and have periods and stuff and they’d never actually build it.

Dammit, I thought this was going to work.

One of them will totally only have daughters, I know it.

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Shit, so much for that.

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Goddammit, I really thought I was onto something.