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In This Issue

• Consent is Sexayy
• You Scan My License, Heights, and I'll Trade Your Margaritas for Drugs
• Club EC
• Barack Obama: Exclusive Interview!
• An Open Letter to the Chick Sleeping Next to Me
• A FED Guide to Celebrity Legal Problems
• Columbia's New Admissions Policy: Fuck All Y'all
• Drawn to Columbia. Quartered Too?
• Top 5 Do's For Next 9/11 (Excerpted from Cosmogirl)
• One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
• A Tale of Woe and Infinite Sadness
• The Typical Suburban Housewife
• Bollinger's Free Speech Fetish
• The Muppets Take America
• The Priorities of American Media
• The World Leaders Forum is So Gay
• Coming Soon To a Bookstore Near You!
• THEY WATCH
• Got Meth?
• The Staff of 23.1

5) Wear Appropriate Outfits

 

No 9/11 would be complete without the complimentary outfit. If you’re going to get the most out of the 9/11 holiday season, make sure you wear your appropriate colors: red, white and blue. We know, we know, white after Labor Day is like a total abomination, but this is the only exception. Just don’t be the one caught wearing the “Never Forget” t-shirts. Those are so totally 2003.

American flag lapels are available through the RNC website, but the style mavens at Cosmogirl all agree: they look totally tacky. Who wants an accessory you can share with your Uncle Lou? I mean, gross! Instead, you should buy your own Prada 9/11 handbag, a stylish accessory that can last you ‘til Thanksgiving. Ask anyone in their design firm: patriotism is totally the new black this 9/11.

4) Have a Moment of Silence and

Make a Toast

Remember, 9/11 isn’t just about you. It’s about all of us. That’s why it would be a good idea at your 9/11 dinner party (or office party if you’re a little older) to bring an appropriate beverage. It’s like totally lame to toast with regular soda. If you’re going to do it right you should get Pepsi Ground Zero. Only one calorie and no sugar, so there’s no guilt and no blemishes. Trust us, your friends won’t hate you for this courtesy.

 

3) Have a Good Playlist

If you want a bangin’ party, we suggest the DJ Tiesto remix of the John William’s 9/11 theme for CNN and the History Channel. It’s classy and danceable. We also hear the unreleased (and Timbaland guest-produced!) Now Music 9/11 is pretty much the most essential party album ever. It’s off the chain!

2) Buy Good Gifts

Like any holiday, gifts come naturally, and 9/11 is no exception. While you could shop at nycwebstore.com, most of the gifts there are tacky. If you absolutely must buy from there, chances are your friend will already own the patriotic snow globe, so we suggest the sexy FDNY calendar instead. Those firemen are smokin’ (but not actually; smoking is like, really unhealthy)!

If you’re lost, we recommend The Day Our World Changed: Children’s Art of 9/11 as a catch-all gift. But whatever you buy, remember, 9/11 is a holiday about not forgetting what happened, not trivializing it, so make sure your choices are tasteful.

1) Never Forget

You don’t want to commit that faux pas and forget about 9/11 like your ex did your two-week anniversary. You know how difficult shopping for Christmas gifts at the last minute can be, so plan ahead and mark down 9/11 on your calendar, ladies! Doing this gives you time to plan ahead and get all your shopping in.