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Fruit of the First Amendment
Issue 23.1: October
Posted: October 2007

Columbia's New Admissions Policy: Fuck All Y'all

Adam Valen Levinson

Arinn Amer

Admissions policies have recently been shifting at the nation’s elite institutions. Both Princeton and Harvard have abolished Early Decision in an effort to “help a brother out.” Pressured by these changes, Columbia University announced yesterday its revolutionary “No Decision” policy.

Suzanne Fuller, President of the Office of Undergraduate Admissions explained that No Decision will eliminate absolutely every cause of ethnic, social and humor-based discrimination.

The change was adopted on the recommendations of an elite committee of Columbia professors who were themselves named to the panel using the same ND policy that they would be evaluating. The results were encouraging; while the process appointed to the board several deputies under the age of four, and more than one staffer at Pinnacle, the payroll Columbia professors chosen illustrated astounding diversity: some wore beige tweed jackets, others wore navy.

During the committee’s deliberations, strong support emerged shepherded by Roland Yost, professor of neural circuitry. “It really is impossible to disregard the inferior size of women’s brains as compared to men’s,” Mr. Yost explained many times throughout the proceedings. “I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure smaller brains means bigger stupid.” Fellow neurologists responded by indicating that “actually, you are an expert” and advising Mr. Yost to “go perform rectal self-coitus.”

In an unrelated story, the body of Mr. Yost was found Tuesday in a recycling bin outside the residence of noted Women’s Studies professor, Dr. Vajmussle.

Despite aggressive resistance, the change was put into effect with the signature of University President Lee C. Bollinger. Indecisions are already being made regarding the Class of 2012, whose potential members number over fifteen million, from 50 states, 140 countries, and Texas.

While ND is nearly faithful to its name, admissions officers are allowed to base their indecisions on a handful of features, including but not limited to the now mandatory optional photo, name, and weight of application. Because the No Decision process does not actually necessitate an application, some “desirables” have received acceptance letters without so much as downloading the forms. Jessica Alba, from her home in Los Angeles, told reporters yesterday that she has received more than several congratulatory mailers from the officer respon-sible for southern Pennsylvania-based admissions.

Even those that initially dissented from the plan find themselves grudgingly accepting the positive results of the policy. A preliminary study showed that 91% of admittants are different from one another, up dramatically from the Class of ‘11’s 84%.

Nonetheless, even confronted with this overwhelming success, some employees cannot accept the change. Officer of New England admissions Finnigan Teasdale was fired last week when his applicants’ SAT scores were discovered in an open window on his computer. While the University’s measures to implement the policy may be described as “fascist” in closed circles during the formative process. With diversity at a premium, open criticism of ND is hard to find.

Asked to comment on the influx of diversity at his school, President Bollinger read from a prepared statement: “Diversity? Bring on the poontang.”