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Fruit of the First Amendment
Issue 23.1: October
Posted: October 2007

Barack Obama: Exclusive Interview!

Michael Brayden

Barack Obama, CC ’83, is running for President. However, since his meteoric rise to superstardom, no Columbia organization or publication has yet been able to get him to make any sort of contact with his alma mater. That is, until The Fed came knocking at his door. We present to you this exclusive interview.

Fed: Do you hate Columbia?

Obama: (laughs) No!

Fed: No seriously, why do you hate Columbia?

Obama: Well…all right. Let’s talk about Columbia. What would you like to know?

Fed: Statistically, more than half of all Columbia students will graduate without attending a football game. Did you ever go to one?

Obama: (pauses) I understand they’re better these days than back in the eighties.

Fed: Picture this scenario: you’ve just arrived at school and you’re Barack freakin’ Obama. How do you kick-start your campaign to get elected to student government?

Obama: Well, to be honest with you, during my time I was just so struck by the disparity and suffering in New York that I never…

Fed: Tight! Hand that campaign that ass, and the chicks always dig that moral shit. Yo – so what was the easiest way to pick up a Barnard chick in your day?

Obama: You know, I was just so affected by the socio-economic inequality that I…

Fed: Did you ever sit back from skipping class in order to snort coke with a check from your parents’ trust fund, and think, “Heck, I’m probably going to rule the world some day anyway, so why don’t I just run for CCSC and get the ball rolling?”

Obama: (chortles) Hold steady, young man! You know, politics isn’t all fun and games. It requires a lot of hard work, and, in particular, understanding that…

Fed: …because I sure as hell have! Fuck, man. Barack Obama! How did you do it? What strings did you have to pull?

Obama: Well, as I said, politics isn’t always glamorous. You have to…

Fed: …do some dirty dealings?

Obama: You know, boys will be boys, but I was referring more to the campaigning aspect of politics. Traveling across the country, meeting and speaking to constituents on very little sleep can be exhausting.

Fed: Yeah, man.

Obama: And when every move is scrutinized in the press…say you raise your eyebrow a quarter inch too high, and some station runs a special on analyzing the psychological meaning in it, and the implications it could have for the war in Iraq…

Fed: Dude.

Obama: But you know, it makes it all worth it if I can just get my basic messages across. For example, my plan to revolutionize health care I think will really…

Fed: That’s great, that’s great. Hey, can we get a photo-op here? I’ve got a copy of today’s paper so I can hold it up and prove this happened after you got famous.

Obama: Sure.

Our Fed staff photographer snaps a grinning mugshot.

Fed: Okay picture this: it’s January 2009, you’re stepping out of a limousine, and you strut right up to the White House. What’s the first thing you do to whip this show into shape?

Obama: Well! You know with a competent and hardworking Cabinet, I would hope to…

Fed: What about Roswell?

Obama: What?

Fed: The alien spacecraft landing in 1947 – you finally get to find out what happened, right?

Obama: …I’m not familiar…I couldn’t say for…

Fed: Yeah, they don’t tell you guys if you’re just running to be the big cheese, huh? Guess there are some things the little guy ain’t meant to know.

Obama: You know, if I get elected, together with my Cabinet, I would like to solidify my plans for health care, economic policy, Iraq withdrawal, and…

Fed: Jeez, and if you don’t get the job, then you’ll never ever find out what happened, right? Man… yo, so you’ve really never given an interview to anybody from Columbia? That’s funny! Hey, so I hear you did some wicked hardcore drugs back in school.

Obama: (Sighs) You know, there are times in a man’s life when he doesn’t quite know himself. Searching for meaning when you’re so young can bring such confusion as…

Fed: Me and my buddies totally blow those lines! Fuck! Dude, did you ever do a keg stand? That shit is legit.

Obama: (Smiles) It wasn’t quite like that for all of us. Sometimes when you’re confronted with the enormity of the world before you, a substance can seem like the answer. But, in time, I think one learns the lesson that…

Fed: Seriously hardcore, man! I can just picture the bitchin’ parties. 1980s…Music was hot, babes were willing…

Obama: It all depends on your perspective (Laughs) You know, one man’s treasure may be another man’s downfall.

Fed: Awesome! Yeah, so just to finish up and stuff, if you could give one piece of advice to Columbia students today, what would it be?

Obama: (Pauses) You know, college made me who I was. If there’s one piece of advice I’d have to give to your readers, it’s that although you may grow and change immensely during this time, you should never stop challenging yourself. You should never stop learning, because in the end…

Fed: Actually, can we get another photo-op? The first one has me kinda cross-eyed, and you’re showing too many teeth.

Obama: Sure.