• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Consent is Sexayy
• You Scan My License, Heights, and I'll Trade Your Margaritas for Drugs
• Club EC
• Barack Obama: Exclusive Interview!
• An Open Letter to the Chick Sleeping Next to Me
• A FED Guide to Celebrity Legal Problems
• Columbia's New Admissions Policy: Fuck All Y'all
• Drawn to Columbia. Quartered Too?
• Top 5 Do's For Next 9/11 (Excerpted from Cosmogirl)
• One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
• A Tale of Woe and Infinite Sadness
• The Typical Suburban Housewife
• Bollinger's Free Speech Fetish
• The Muppets Take America
• The Priorities of American Media
• The World Leaders Forum is So Gay
• Coming Soon To a Bookstore Near You!
• THEY WATCH
• Got Meth?
• The Staff of 23.1

So recently I rolled out of bed to find that Michael Jackson was coming to campus. Except he spoke in a funny accent, he had a funny beard, and apparently some Nazi at the University invited him. Assessing the situation, I quickly collected a series of conclusions, in order to give you this specially-themed version of THEY WATCH.

I: Freedom of speech? I’ll give you a right: the right to shut your fucking mouth because I find your views offensive to me and my values. Listen, when I become dictator of America we’re going to do things a little differently around here. All the people exhibiting racist, homophobic, and other intolerant (read: ones that I don’t agree with) inclinations will be dragged and locked away. Then we’ll show those goddamn dirty Persians what it means to be American. Democracy = THEY!

II: Even worse was the coverage. One opening shot of student protests, collaged with tanks and helicopters, had me hopeful, but my thirst could not be quenched. Look, when I turn on Comedy Central I expect shock and perversion, when I switch to VH1 I expect naked, gyrating bodies, and dammit, when I switch to the news I expect to be entertained. Where were the on-air cat fights, the declarations of jihad, the who-slept-with-who revelations? Even the blonde commentators you brought on were of a sub-par level of hotness. Yes, it was a disappointing performance, boys, very disappointing indeed. Fox News = THEY!!

III: Finally, along comes a particularly annoying revelation. Apparently, Ahmadinejad is only a figurehead, has no control over the military, and has a lower approval rating than Bush back in Iran. Thanks, Wikiworld (because none of the networks really cared to emphasize it), for bursting my bubble. Kevin Federline, it would appear, has been admitted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Wikipedia = THEY!