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In This Issue

• HALLOWEEN MUST GO
• Olay, Dual You, You Sunk
• Happy Gentrified Halloween
• I Humbly Volunteer Myself to be Columbia’s Resident Second Amendment Scholar
• The Noble Order of the Lunar Cradle
• ZAGAT 2007/2008 New York Metro Area Drug Dealers Survey
• The Fed Picks the Top Ten White Male Dance Moves (in no specific order)
• A Brief Illustrated History of the Drugs of White Males
• Correspondence From Mr. Shorefront
• A White Male's Take on Feminism
• Abercrombie: apparel of the young and elite
• A Furtive Guide to Pooping Around Campus
• The Continuing Adventures of Awkward Man
• Don't Wanna Go Home All Alone (no, no, no, no)
• Security Issues
• The Smurf Village
• Awkward Man in "Gullible's Travels"
• An Exhibit At the Creation Museum
• Columbionics
• THEY WATCH
• The Staff of 23.2

Sarah Levin

All Hallows Eve is a glorious holiday for the tragically hip. The malnourished highly-caffeinated P-forked, pomosexual, PBR veganites of America will toss aside their everyday costumes of skinny jeans (accentuate the nads), granny chic (holes in sweater enlarged), huge dorkwad glasses (sans prescription), ironic T's (#1 Dad!), "merch" branded with obscure bands that don't exist, and hop the L train on a pilgrimage to a Brooklyn thrift store - with their parents' money - in search of a hip Halloween costume... that they'll probably end up wearing year-round.

But hipster: why walk the mile-long hipster tunnel between 5th and 6th Ave. in those clunky cowboy boots when a happenin' hipster costume is just a pack of cigarettes away? Toss the Camel Lights and light up a Virginia Slim this Halloween. How ironic! Instant joke costume! And every cigarette brand has hilarious ironic costume potential. Head over to the kiosk on 116th: my favorite teeny Indian lady and a seven-buck costume await you.

Costume: Grandma
Description: Virginia Slims, with the ash 2 inches long (sometimes old people forget). Bonus points if you fall asleep with it in your hand and start a fire. Don't forget the tacky lipstick smear around the filter, and speak in a hideously hoarse voice.

Costume: Sorority/Long Island Girl
Description: A Camel No. 9 in one hand, cell phone in other. Bonus points if the pink trim on the box matches your handbag or shoes. As you light up, announce to everyone that you're "only going to smoke in college," or that you "only smoke when you drink." Which is often.

Costume: Bard College / Hampshire College Student
Description: American Spirit, the environmentally-friendly hypocrite's choice of cigarette, for all-natural organic lung cancer. Even comes in "Peace Pipe" flavor. Make sure to discuss global warming as you light up, and pollution when you toss your butt.

Costume: College Freshman, Stressed Out at a Party
Description: Take any cigarette that's offered to you, hold it in your hand as you light it, take a tiny drag, and then cough for three minutes. Smile like you're enjoying it, and commence the Lit Hum commiseration.

Costume: Goth
Description: Cloves, Djarum Blacks. Don't forget the Zippo, with your little personalized touch (NIN sticker, etc.). Extra credit if you can do lame tricks with it. And constantly reference how unhappy you are and how much your parents suck. And Tool.

Costume: Straight-Edge Asshole, Circa 2002
Description: No cigarettes. Cough wildly when other people smoke around you, and wave your hands (marked on the back with black X's) to get the smoke out of your face. You're soooo punk rock.

Costume: Construction Worker, My Ex-Boyfriend, Drew Barrymore
Description: Marlboro Reds, the favorite cigarette of the tough guy, the wanna-be tough guy, and apparently, Barrymore, who started smoking at 9 ½. Just make sure you know which one you're trying to emulate. This one gets confusing.

Costume: Albert Camus
Description: Smoke four packs during the night and then, like Camus, die in an ironic freak bus accident. Because life, she is meaningless, no?

Costume: Anti-smoking Ad
Description: Talk in robotic mono-tone, lift cigarette up to throat... Wait, did I just cross some kind of line?